Christmas

Christmas was very special to me this year. Rylee's heart has been so open to faith and believing in new things. I spent time with her talking about Jesus and the celebration of his birth. She wanted to make Jesus a birthday cake!

Santa was easy for her to understand.

She really enjoyed helping me wrap gifts and took time to find a perfect place to put them under the tree. Her giving heart was shining. 
Christmas eve was spent with Ryan on shift and I took our littles to my aunta house. I have spent so many christmas Eves there and no other place feels like holiday then there.

Christmas morning was beautiful.  I hid Rylee in our room till Ryan came home so we could both see her face when she first laid eyes on what santa left her. She turned the corner of the hallway and was in awe. She told santa, a week before Christmas,  she wanted a pink princess garbage truck! Say what?! Ryan hopped on amazon and found a pink dump truck! I left the truck unwrapped and she yelled "he did it! Santa brought me a pink truck!" Best moment.  It wasn't about the actual gift, but that we gave her something innocent to believe in. It was magical.

Our little ballerina

Rylee Marie you amaze me!

Rylee started dance class in August and has loved every moment of it. In early December she debuted her talents at her first recital! I was so excited and nervous when she walked on stage. I was honestly just proud she went on stage! The music started and after a few counts she joined in and followed her teacher and did a great performance.  She even added in her own kick move!

At the very end of the recital, after the dance classes were introduced on stage, music was cued for all the dancers to leave stage...Rylee ran from the back of the big grouo of dancers to begin dancing a solo. It. Was. Amazing! I laughed and cried!

Four Months

Our little Jacob Ryan is four months old!

◇ he has rolled over a handful of times

◇ nursing like a champ 

◇ enjoys sitting in his walker and loves our morning walks

◇ smiles and gives giant loud laughs 

◇ he is a sweet snuggler and cozies up to my heart anytime possible

◇ he has been to disney eight times already and has meet a disney princess and rode dumbo as his first ride

She is my first

I'm still learning how to be a mother of two.

I've mastered surviving the morning till nap time and counting down minutes till bedtime. I'm working hard to master the day when the sleep through the night fairy has yet to bless my little babe. I'm figuring out how to keep laundry under control and feel accomplished when the dirty basket is empty at the end of the day. Jake and I are gold medal Olympians in the nursing category and earning a silver medal in changing a poop diaper while fighting off the toddler who threw your last wipe across the room. I'm working hard (yet failing) to make time for my husband at the end of a long day to watch of grown up shows when an additional 43 minutes of sleep is more appeasing.

But what troubles me is really really balancing both kids. Mommas! Tell me your secrets. Because some days I feel like a bouncy ball thrown down a long hallway, being pushed from one side to the other, sometimes hitting the bottom floor.

I find myself not always being available in the same way I have always been for Rylee. My first born. My beautiful daughter. I know, I know, she won't remember this stage of her life. I know she knows she is loved by me. I know she is glad I am home with her.

But does she know how much I miss her? Does she know how much I want to make this time home with her as special as I can? How much I miss the little moments of just me and her. Mommy and daughter.
It hit me today while riding the carousel at Disney. Usually Jake is riding the Ergo with me, I stand along the fence, and wave as she and Ryan ride the iconic white horses. Today was the day I got to ride with her. I felt like I won the lottery. We giggled as we waited in line. She pointed to Cinderella's castle and told me she wanted to sleep there. And invited me too. She played with my "belle hair" (because its brown) and said "I love you momma". I just died. I didn't want the line to end. I didn't want these little moments to end. I needed more to fill my cup.

We hopped on a horse and she told me " mommy I scoot up and you sit behind me. Like daddy does". But it was me this time.
She held my hand and showed me how to princess wave when we rode around and saw Ryan. She was so excited when the ride started to turn us and I begged we would get one extra turn. She would wave to Ryan and said "mommy you riding the horse with me today".

I lost my composure and tears feel to her hair.

The ride ended all to quick and we hoped off. And it was back to two babes.

I love my two babies. Saying they mean the world to me is such a small use of words to explain how big my heart is for them. But Rylee holds such a special place in my big heart. She made me a mother, a little crazy one at times, but a mother. She taught me how to really love. How to really see pure happiness and selfishly not want it to end.

And the place in my heart for my sweet son earns a blog post all its own. That little boy brought me to see a whole new side of being a mother and I am forever thankful to him...

News on the home front

I have to start working on being better at writing on here. I really do love to write. I think my thoughts are most clear in written word vs verbal. Writing feels more safe, maybe because there isn't a verbal response. But I do find it relaxing. It gives me a few moments to be away from the chaos of the day and let my own thoughts break through.

Days here with two littles are becoming more joyous (see how I didn't say less crazy because that would be a lie! Just learning to handle it better...well trying to at least). Jake is sadly moving out of the infant stage and more into the fun baby stage. Rylee is so eager to play with him and teach her what she knows.

I'm revamping my etsy shop and going with a new idea. With the pushy, yet sweet, encouragement from my mom and butt slapping push my friend Charlee, I'll be reopening the shop after Christmas. Planning to make and sell party supplies. It's going to be awesome!

Over the past month I've been listening more and learning to open my heart wide to the Lord. Learning to really listen and not just hear. Ryan and I follow an AM talk show which is helping us to see more clearly on the life we want to live for our marriage and as parents. We can see how impressionable Rylee's little mind is and we want to guide and teach her the best we can. I've been reaching out to friends and reading books, eager to see where this journey takes my heart and our family.

Thanksgiving was great! Yummy food. Loving family. And a chaotic 4 hr drive with Rylee and Jake...it involved an hour stop at the nearest exit to feed Jake, which happened to be a strip club/gas station! Yes. An interstate strip club/gas station parking lot is where Jake refused to nurse from me. I didn't pack my pump (never do that again) and left emergency frozen milk in my aunts freezer two hours away. I had to hand express milk into an empty water bottle and dump it into a bottle a half ounce at a time as my mom fed him! It was horrific!! Her and I finally get Jake calmed down and we smell poop...from both kids. We barely said a word to each other the rest of the 2 hr drive fear in Jake may wake up and laughed/cried when we hit our exit. Looking forward to sharing that story with Jake!

Christmas is on its way and I am EXCITED! I have couponed for every Santa gift and spent less then I planned! Still have to fill their stockings and I'm handing that over to Ryan. I have my eye on a kitchenAid mixer and hoping it will appear under the tree or for an anniversary present (four years on the 10th).

Last night was Jake's first night sleeping in his bassinet. The rock n' play has been one of our favorite baby gear items but he is getting to big for it. I bought a Love to Dream Swaddle and Jake was a champ with it! The ergo and Solly wrap have been life savers for me and the baby Bjorn bouncy seat is the best! Speaking of Jake, he's away from his early morning 6-7 nap and needs a feeding.

Enjoy your Monday. Let it be wonderful, not manic!

Two Months

Jacob Ryan is two months old.

Two months! Really? Time is moving so fast.

Life with two littles has been a whirl wind. Jacob fits so perfectly into our hearts. Rylee is over the moon to be a big sister and is enjoying being helpful. She is eager to find his pacifier, through away a diaper, and give kisses. She would hold him all day is she could.

Jacob is smiling like a champ! He makes cooing noises and I just melt. It has been fun to watch him moving out if the newborn stage and be more engaging. In the sleep department, Jacob enjoys napping while we shop and starting his day at 4am. He loves being carried around in a wrap or the ergo. And I love it to! He is a calm sweet boy. He and I continue to nurse and Ryan bottle feeds him right before bed. Putting all that pumped milk to good use. 300 plus ounces have made their way into our freezer. Bottle feeding before bed also let's mommy have a glass (or two) of wine.

Jacob has also made his debut visit to Disney! He slept most of the time in the ergo as we rode dumbo and the little mermaid.

I am working hard to find a balance with two. Some morning I end on bent knees in tears and others I end with rainbows pouring out of my clean kitchen. But I'm finding my way, learning how to meet their needs, letting go of what's not important, and really taking in this time with them.

Ryan and I went out to dinner without kids for the first time last week. It felt amazing to wear real clothes, a necklace, and share in adult drinks and laughter. Its so easy to be in constant mommy mode and leave no mental space to be his wife.

Hoping I can try and get more thoughts of mine onto this blog. I think once I get them both on the same nap schedule I'll be back to blogging more! Stick around!

Dear Rylee

My little mama, the past few weeks have been rough. Really rough. Rough to were I've his in the garage for a few minutes of quiet time. Too many days we spend not getting along. You have brought me to my knees weeping in tears as I try to find some sort of patience. Too many days I have become frustrated before breakfast and pray the Lord will guide me through the day.

I am trying so hard to be the best momma I can to you. I love you more then I can ever express in words. Your smile brings joy to my heart that brings tears to my eyes. But little momma, we have spent too many days in tears with each other.

Our daily routine has changed. It use to be just us. You and me. Snuggling in bed. Making pancakes. Having tea parties. Enjoying popcorn at target. Roaming the rows of books at Barnes and noble. We shared laughs on walks. I treasure those moments. And I didn't know how much I would truly miss them. Being a big sister means having to not only share your toys, but to share me as your mommy. Neither of us were really prepared for what that meant. You are doing your best to understand and I am struggling.

I can tell you get angry with me. I can't always pick you up or play tea party. Your brother needs all the same attention I gave you, when you were new to this place. You get angry when I ask you to play in your room when I am nursing your brother. Your loud laughter and singing of songs will soon be welcomed by your little brother, but quiet time is something he and I both crave while nursing.

I end too many days in tears. Crying myself to sleep thinking of what a terrible day we had. Guilt rushes my exhausted heart when I think of how short my patience were for you. I doubt my job here as a stay at home mother and not sure what I am doing for you is right. Am I teaching you to be a good loving person? Am I teaching you to be creative? Am I teaching you to have a giving heart?

So many days I am at a loss. I am suppose to be the adult here and sometimes I act like the child. I let my frustration make poor choices. And no one wins. I know better. Exhaustion is my nasty enemy I must fight.

Your will is strong. You are smart as a whip. And your imagination is one I envy. You love me and I love you. Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever been given. Even on our hardest days, I never doubt you and your brother gave me the greatest gift, to be your mother. I wish I knew what to do every time a decision is needed. I wish I had the perfect words to give you during a tantrum. But I am trying. Every day I try.

But I do know what I do right. I know my love for you is like no other. I know you love waffles but prefer pancakes. I know you are most happy running outside. I know loud noises scare you and my hugs make you feel safe. I know you pretend to have a boo-boo so you can wear a princess bandaid. I know you love disney world as much as your daddy and I do. I know all this because I am here. I am here with you, loving you in every moment.

Through the good days and bad days we are us. As your brother gets older we will fall into routine and gain our special moments back together. We will share in giggles while he naps and continue with art projects.

Hold on little momma. We'll find our groove with our sweet little boy and he'll join in all our fun!

Tonight as I was nursing your brother I could hear you play in your room. You were making cupcakes "cake cakes" in your kitchen. I heard your feet carefully walk to your brothers room. Just as I set him down in his crib, you step in singing "happy birthday to mommy" while holding a tray of wooden cupcakes. I nicely ask you to play in your room because at the moment your brothers eyes flung open and I knew I'd have to start over again. You didn't understand my tiredness from your sleepless brother. You didn't understand I was trying to put him to bed so I could have alone time with you. Instead you understood mommy didn't want to play with you. Oh sweet girl that isn't true!

As I rocked you brother back to sleep all I could think of was how proud you were to carry in those cupcakes and sing me a song. Ugh. I lose tears as I write this.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new day to love you, teach you, and give you what you deserve from me. A better me.

Keep on loving me and bringing cupcakes