This old house

To the house I thought was too small,

When I first saw you, I looked past the outdated curtains, dated pink bathroom, and musty smell. I giggled over original hard wood floors and the huge kitchen. I had my doubts that you would be the "one". I was unsure of the too small backyard and the one less bathroom we hoped for. But we were on a super tight time frame, so we signed papers and added a new key to our key ring.

The first time it was just you and me was the day after you became ours. I stood in the living room smelling that old house smell and couldn't wait to tear up the carpets and paint walls. I was making a honey-do-list for my soon to be husband and prayed we would survive all the big projects that needed done.

I stood in each room making design plans and paint colors. I happily said goodbye to the pink bathroom and old windows. I didn't know, the house I thought was too small, that you would hold so many memories within your walls.

The few weeks of fixing up were quick and crazy. I was determined not to miss out first Christmas with you and gave my husband an insane deadline for us to finish. We moved in a few days shy of Christmas and I unpacked Christmas decorations at 2am and decorated our first charlie brown style tree. You've held seven Christmas trees since then.

You were the placed we landed after our wedding. We came home at 3am to our second Christmas tree and opened wedding cards and gifts beneath it's lights.

Since we first painted your walls, they've been repainted to match new designs as we brought home both our babies to the house I thought was too small. These walls know the hours we spent with our colic daughter and late night nursing son. Your floors carry the foot prints of their first steps and spilled milk and squeak and those certain spots I avoid when leaving the room of a sleeping babe.

The big kitchen has seen many many pancakes and burnt dinners. It's seen laughter over wine and flying baby food. Your doors have been slammed during fights and slowly opened giving apologies and love.

That backyard I thought was too small has been reinvented to fit a brick patio for a playhouse and green grass I swoon over. Your backyard has taken on summer pools and winter fire pits.

So this old house I thought was too small...I was so wrong about you. We've been through ups and downs. You haven't always been nice to my husband as he has fixed pipes at midnight and the a/c in the mist of summer heat. But you hold all the memories I may not always remember. I'm not sure how many more Christmas trees you'll have in your window but know I have loved my journey with you. We aren't parting anytime soon but know when that last box leaves on moving day, I'll stand alone in your empty living room and thank you.

Thank you for all you gave my family. Thank you for the memories and time spent under your room. I'll never forget how important you are to my husband and how I was so wrong when I doubted you were the perfect house. Because I've learned the size of your living room doesn't matter. We've grown as a family here and are working hard to be the best we can. 

You may not be the mansion on the block but our love that fills your walls is bigger then I'll ever need.

Love, Leah

The day I wore a bikini

It happened.

It was just a random day. Nothing was planned but to wear my old maternity bathing suit for some pool fun in the backyard. As I was digging for my not so awesome swim suit, I realized all my mom suits were in the wash. Feeling fearful to spend another minute of my threenagers pool time searching for a suit, I grabbed a pre-baby bikini.

A bikini.

My body didn't even know how to walk out of the house with such little clothing.

I gathered Jake and Rylee met me outside and her face just lit up! I stared at her and she said "whoa momma. You're in a bikini! You look so beautiful momma". I melted.

Her sweet thoughts weren't in the same ball field of mine. I was spending the few moments reminding myself "no one will see me in the backyard. Hopefully Ryan won't come outside. I'm working out, I'm making some progress, bikini will be in my future".

Why are we so hard on ourselves as mommas? They little people who are most important are the ones who care in the least bit. She's looking at me always and not in the ways I think she is. She doesn't notice my flaws. She doesn't care if I am wearing a put together outfit or my hair is brushed. She doesn't care what makeup made it to my face or if my earrings match.

She cares that my arms give her the most secure hugs. She cares that my legs are strong and can carry on the best dance parties. She cares that my belly gives her a place to rest her head during favorite movies. She cares that my face is full of love for her.

She cares that I am her momma.

After I gathered my thoughts from her sweet compliments, I jumped into the pool and gave her the best afternoon I could. We laughed and giggled. She loved I wore a bikini like her. I loved I made her happy.

She wants to be like me. And there are so many flaws I want to hide and pray she doesn't fully become like me. I hope she never has self doubt about her body. I hope she loves herself and sweats confidence.

I know she's watching me. Keeping her eyes close on my every move. So I'm going to wear that bikini more. Show her just to be happy in who she is.

So mommas, let's not be so hard on ourselves. Do the best we can and our little ones with notice all the great things we sometimes forget. 

What she needs to know

Rylee,

There has been something about you lately that has me catching my breath. It's in the way you laugh. The way you call your brother "honey bunnies". Its in the way you dance through our home living life as a make-believe musical with unicorns.

You have me questioning where my first little baby went because you are growing so fast.

Sunday evening, you helped me with making your lunch for school. You quickly pulled up a chair, grabbed your favorite veggies from the frig, told me applesauce is your dessert, and a stated that a plain paper towel will do until I buy princess napkins from target. You counted the carrots as I cut them and placed them neatly in a container. You spread peanut butter on your sandwich like a boss. I lost my marbles when you folded it in half, placed it in her container, organized all your treats in your unicorn lunchbox, and  zippered it up. You were smiling so big and a chest puffed with confidence. I, on the other hand, had tears down my cheeks and my smile was meant to let you know how proud I was to call you mine.

I kept starring at you. You thought I was being weird. I held you close and thanked the Lord he gave me you. I knew there would be a turning point when I stopped looking at you as a toddler and see you as the little girl you are becoming. 

It didn't think it would have happened in the mundane of activities. But as always, you dance to the beat of your own drum.

I think about you often during my work day and add things to the ever growing "what she needs to know list". So as you keep spreading your little wings to fly, remember these sweet words from your momma...

You are my favorite girl: I don't remember when I started whispering this to you but its become "our thing". Through the chaos of each day and all the different people that will come into our lives, you will always be my favorite girl. When you are driving me batty because the socks you asked for aren't the socks you want because the seam rides to low on your ankle, you will be my favorite girl. As we both grow older and you start having parts of your life that won't always involve me, you will always be my favorite girl.

I will always come get you: If you feel home sick at a friends house, I'll be there. After you perform on stage for your dance recital, I'll be there. If you make a wrong decision in attending a party, I'll come get you. If you feel sick or scared at school, I'll come get you. When you need a ride home from the movies with a group of friends, I'll come get you (well, I'll already be there sitting in the back row of the movie making sure " that boy" is a gentleman ). 

You are beautiful: I never knew how to see true beauty till I held you in my arms. No matter what your wear, you will always be beautiful. Your morning breath and wild hair never faults your beautiful. Through this life's ever giving chaos, you shine through with your kind heart. Your beauty is deeper then your shiny brown hair. It spills from your eyes when you light up when daddy walks in the door from work. You are beautiful to me because of who you are!

I will keep loving you: through every strong-willed-child tantrum you give me, I'll love you. Through the awkward preteen stage, I'll be loving you behind your slammed door. When you make mistakes and share in proud moments, I'll love you. Because no matter how crazy and adventures our life becomes, my love for you will never fade.

And lastly...

I will always be your momma: And how lucky am I? May your dreams take you wherever you allow them to. No matter where you go, I am yours. Your one person who will always love you, who will always listen to you, who will always be your biggest fan, who will always be there for you.

As you start blooming into a young lady, I hope you always reach for my hand. I hope my love for you is felt deep in your heart and never forgotten. I am excited to see where this little life takes us and share in all your sweet memories.

With love,
Your Momma