To my brother and his young bride

Just over a month ago my brother became a husband. Not just any husband. Her husband. A husband to such a sweet gal who I truly feel blessed to now have as my sister-in-law. It makes me giddy I now have my own title for her and don't have to refer to her as "my brothers fiancé".

My husband and I are approaching our fifth wedding anniversary. I think about how fast five years has gone. I think about how much more we have to go. I'd like to be able to give my brother and his new bride the best of marriage advice and the best kept secret...but my words would fail. Because I don't know them. We are still learning how to keep the fire going as we grow together through the craziness that life throws our way.

This weekend we celebrate their one month anniversary with a lovely party with loved ones who weren't able to travel to the Key West wedding. During the chaotic planning period and fanatic phone calls from my mom (who is throwing this awesome party!) I wonder the words I would share with my brother. During their first fight. During their first joyful moment. During the moment he will hold his future child for the first time.

To my brother,

I'm thankful for being your older sister. You have always been a giving person, so thank you, for giving me another sister! Even during the moments you are quiet while I yell unfiltered words about something, I am thankful for our friendship. Life with you came full circle as we were painting pineapples for your reception. I watched you carefully pick the perfect pineapples and you reminded me to paint them perfectly for Shelby. We took that very seriously as we rushed them inside when it started pouring rain and left Jake outside as we saved the pineapples. Those few hours with you are some of my favorite to date. I felt like I was stealing the last few moments with you before you became a husband. I wish I would have had something more special to say other then drilling you, making sure you packed all what you would needed and commenting how wonderful the gold pineapples looked.

I would have told you how proud I was of you. Giving your heart to someone is no easy feat. But I have no doubt Shelby will hold tight to it.

I would have told you how special your wedding day will be. How the feeling of being in a bubble with just her will never cease your memory.

I would have told you to never let her go. Fight for her every day. Never break one of those special vows, yet always ask for forgiveness when life takes a hurtful turn.

I would have told you Shelby is just so perfect for you. She just really loves you. She really loves your family, your niece and nephew, and Disney World!

I would have told you no marriage is easy. You'll face challenges. You'll face doubt. You'll face change. And it's OK. Don't even stray from her, you'll need each other to make it through.

I would have told you this marriage will be your greatest adventure. As life give you joyous moments and one day beautiful children, never let it become greater then being her husband. Do your best to make her first. Every. Single. Day.

But if I would have told you all this, you would have thought I was crazy. You might have cried. I might have cried. And I trust that you will keep her heart safe.

If I would have told you all this, I would given away I'm really no expert. I've made mistakes in my marriage but I have never stopped loving my husband. And the biggest secret, he's never stopped loving me. They say love isn't always enough. I think it is.

Love is so much greater then you and I, sweet brother.

I hope your years of marriage are adventurous. Tread carefully through each new chapter and never forget why you fell in love with her.

I love you, your big sister
Leah

That's what she said

I can't be whiny enough about how much I miss being at home. I try not to. I feel very lucky for my year home with the kids. It's a year that felt like a blur, but I will never forget all the sweet little memories we built. I could go on forever about all the things I wish I should have done over that year (I do really regret not blogging on a weekly basis). Besides the time home with my little ones, I'd be a fat liar if I wasn't honest in saying I miss the extra time I had to get stuff done. Yes, I had two kids in tow, but it has become frustrating in managing my time. I either wait for Saturday to run errands, send my husband, or as soon as I get home rush back out the door. It's usually a mix of the three.

Yesterday I ran the kids to target to purchase Rylee a new bathrobe. I know, super exciting. The kids were pretty well behaved in the stroller till Jake woke from his random nap. He was not pleased and proceeded to let the entire store know he was not delighted in sitting in the stroller.

I rushed to check out. I gave the young college kid running the register a heaping spoonful of birth control. Rylee was persistently asking for popcorn and Jake was really testing the durability of the glassware with his screams. I hand over coupons and they aren't working. He looks at me and I request a supervisor to override them, I know they work. (Going to save me $9!). The line behind me starts building from no one to 3 people and I start feeling anxious.

Just as I am about to cry alongside the kids, a young lady behind says "hey its ok. You need to know its ok. You're doing fine". I sure did. I needed to know this craziness I have going on wasn't ruining the peacefulness at target.

She told me she had a two year old at home and I blurted out I was jealous she was at target alone. We laughed. I said thank you. In that moment I needed her to let me know it was OK. I felt better knowing someone else wasn't judging my parenting skills or questioning why they weren't following my directions (they're kids. Duh)

I didn't realize how much I needed her to say those words to me. Thank you target mom for connecting with me. You saved tears. Thank you for reaching out to me and saying what I needed to hear.

As I walked away I turned to her and said "thank you and I did need to hear that". It's a beautiful thing when a stranger gives you what you need. I am really learning to take my people watching skills to a new level and make that first move to connect. We all can become lost in our own little world and miss the greatness in people around us.

Reach out today. Start connecting. I was surprised how much that sweet lady's comment made me feel better.

That's what she said.

To my husband: the things you need to know

To my husband -

Yesterday was the day you've been waiting for. The phone call from the chief to promote you to driver. You called me at work and I could feel your energy burst through the phone. Your voice carried excitement and I longed for my work day to be over so I could rush home to hug you.

I am proud of you.

Last night, we went out on a school night and celebrated! As I sat at the bar listening to you share the word for word phone from the chief. I was amazed at how far we've come.

I was thinking back to high school. When you use to eat my peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and my dad would question why I was packing two sandwiches for lunch. I remember there was something I loved about that quiet boy in my English class and one day you would be mine.

I remember the long nights of drilling you with practice test questions for emt and paramedic school. I remember the day you were hired on at Tampa. We weren't hustling to find a babysitter but spontaneously met up with friends to celebrate into the wee hours. We were a wild bunch.

Its been almost 10 years since you asked me to be yours and how much we have changed. I became your wife and we became a family. I have never stopped loving you but I will admit there are days I'm not so good at being your wife. There are days that I don't seem to break even with splitting my time between you and the kids. I always put you first, loved you first, and did my best to carry our vows in my daily actions.  You've always tried to guide me in the right direction to balance it all and I've been fighting you.

But I've been listening.

In the quietness on my morning drive to work, I've been really thinking about us and I'm sorry, for there are things you need to know...

I need you to know I remember the person I use to be. So many days I lose track of who I am and forget the wife I was to you. My day is covered in tasks revolving around our children. I sometimes lack the mental ability to be the girl you feel in love with. I look at my reflection and I don't always recognize who I see. I need you to know I miss that girl too. 

I need you to know, through all this chaos, I still want to have fun. I don't consider myself boring but constant exhaustion makes me look blah. When the sleepless baby nights pass, I promise to spunk it up a bit more and say yes to those late night movie dates with you.

I need you to know I see you. I notice the way you love our children. The image of you rocking Jake to sleep, humming a song, is burned into my brain. I notice how to make sure I'm never without coffee and you keep my car clean for me. I see how you reach out for me when I'm having a tough day and I sadly push you away because I think I need some space. I notice when you pick out a new cider for me to try and always remember I love root beer in the glass bottles. I see you rushing to clean up when I come home. I see you. I notice you. And I don't always let you know, but thank you.

I need you to know I love you. I don't say it enough. I don't remind you enough. I use to be so diligent in saying every night, every morning, anytime of the day I felt it. I let my mind fill with too much useless worry and fluff, I forgot how simple and meaningful those three words are. I love you.

I need you to know I still think you got it going on! Twenty nine years barely shows on you. You are always sharp in your uniform and the color red on you is still my favorite. You need to know my heart still flutters from your freshness of the shower and watching you mow the lawn.

I need you to know how proud I am of you. You work hard for us and I don't always give you enough recognition. Your promotion has you on cloud nine. I'm raising my #1 foam finger for you as I ride along.

I'm not sure where our future will take us. I can't promise I'll be perfect. I can't promise I won't fight you on a TV to watch and not fall asleep during the opening credits.

But I need you to know I'm here. Still here making those pb&j's. I love you.

Monday Morning Mommas

I stood in my kitchen this morning pouring my coffee into my tervis cup and it hit me how much I miss pouring my coffee into my ceramic cup. The same cup I have used for years, the one I favored from our Polish tea set we received as a wedding gift. I see the cup sitting in the dryer and regret every morning I woke up feeling grumpy from a sleepless night with Jake. I miss my morning routine of coffee and pancakes and chaos and my littles at my feet. As my new routine falls into place and I sneak out of the house while they are still asleep, I think of all my mommas out there.

To my mommas who are off to work. It's hard. I know. You're tired. Your to-do didn't get finished and you are feeling like it will never get done. The mom guilty is hanging so heavy on your heart as you pull crying little ones off you so you can leave for work. You drive in your silent car and start planning your week in your head of what days you'll assign to which task. You've got this. It will be Friday soon enough! Enjoy your lunch with co-workers (grownups!) and the quiet time you have to yourself in the car. Blast your favorite songs and treat yourself to an over priced drive through coffee!

To my mommas who are at home. It's hard. I know. Its ground hog day and you wonder if this will be the day you lose your marbles at target when your toddler is mid tantrum over you buying the toilet paper with the bear on it and not the baby. You keep checking the clock if its time for your play day, where you can have a halfsies convo with your best friend and you pray she has fresh coffee. I hope your littes nap extra long for you so you can eat lunch, fold some laundry, watch the show you recorded last month, and take a nap yourself.

To my new mommas out there who are holding their new, sweet smelling up-all night babies. I know. It's hard. You haven't slept more then a few hours in days. It's Monday, I know you probably can't remember what day it is and its perfectly awesome to wear that outfit today, the one you have been wearing the past 5 days. You look in the mirror and wonder who you are. It's just a phase and you will miss it. I promise. I hope your little one sleeps in today so you can find rest and a hot shower. And they nap hard while you wonder the aisles of target and oogle over those non-maternity jeans.

To all my mommas out there. Whatever adventure you are on. You've got this. One of my best friends once told me the days seem so long yet the years go by oh too fast. Let's just remind ourselves it's just a phase and to savor those sweet moments.

Happy Monday, Mommas

Jake doesn't like cake

As Jake's first birthday is peeping around the corner, I am being crazy lady planning his first birthday celebration.  Here's a sneak peek of his cuteness and his dislike for cake!

Her first day

Dear Rylee,

Today was your first day of preschool. Your first day of very many into your adventure of being a student. Your first day of life experiences that will not always involve mommy.

Last night we picked out your first day of school outfit, packed your lunch, put your folder in your backpack, and talked about the fun things your will do at school. You were so excited. You told me it will be OK when I started to tear up and that you'll see me after lunch. Your excitement made me so exited for you.

I am proud of you. You are a sassy girl with a strong will. You love sincerely and give from your heart. You care for others and love snuggles. When I dropped you off at school today I couldn't believe how far we've come. You and me. Thinking back to the days as a newborn when all you did was cry and I was trying to hard to figure out how to be your mom. To the toddler days we spent just you and me while daddy was on duty. To each birthday we celebrated, knowing after we celebrated birthday number three you would be starting school. I am thankful for the sweet times we had together and that you were able to spend time home with your daddy and aunt the past three years.

I am so eager to see how school will help you grow. Excitement filled my heart this morning holding your little hand as we walked to your classroom. Your first classroom. You were such a big girl as you put your backpack on your hook and showed your teacher your unicorn lunch box. I told you it was time for me to go home. You ran over to me, gave me the warmest hug and biggest kiss. I lost it in that moment. I didn't want to let you go. But I knew it was time for me to let you start creating memories. Tears were so full in my eyes and my words were so shaking when I said good bye.

"see you after lunch mommy"

I can promise you I will soak up the next two mornings/afternoons when I drop you off and pick you up. I will hang on your every word and probe you with a million questions. It's an honest feeling that I am not ready to return to work on Monday. I'm still in denial. I feel sad I may miss some activities at your school and will miss seeing you off to school every morning. I promise the halloween party I signed up to organize will be spook-tacular! I want you to know I love you everyday. And even though I won't be able to pick you up from school, you are my favorite girl. I want to show you how to work hard. I want to teach you how important your education is.

I love you Rylee Marie. You make me proud to be your momma and I am counting the minutes down till I pick you up at noon and hear all about your first day!!

Love, Momma

fancy fancy tea party

Our Rylee Marie is all things girly! Tea parties and pretending to be a bride are the current favorites. With her first day of school approaching in three days (insert mommy crying) I am trying to really enjoy these last few days with her and Jake. I return to work in one week and I will ugly cry about it to anyone. So for the next three days I plan to jam pack her days of favorite things.

Today she hosted her first tea party. She asked required her guest to wear something "fancy fancy". Our guests were quick to comply! We shopped for treats yesterday and she hand picked all the desserts. She was upset I did not let her buy everyone their own mini publix cake...all though we would all love that!

We drank tea with our pinkies up. Ate half eaten cookies. Rylee had trouble putting the cookies on the plate without grabbing a few bites. We giggled. And we had a dance party to end the morning! Rylee was a great host and sent her guest home with their own "bride flower".

YES! My mom is wearing her wedding dress!! 

Date night!

It's date night!!

Ya know, that special date night!

The one where you text back and forth all day sharing excitement of going out. You actually take a shower, blow out your hair, add some curls, put on eye liner and lipstick. You pick out a favorite dress that isn't nursing accessible and pair it with the necklace you found at target last week and sent pictures to your bf to justify your purchase.

The kind of date that you planned 4 weeks ago because its the only day both husbands would be home with the kids. It's the date when you remind your husband 32 times a day that you are planning to leave at 7:30.

It's that special date with your sweetest friend!

When you share uncontrollable laughter and try not to pee your pants (darn post baby bladders) You share stories of crazy kids and husbands. She shares her recent pins on Pinterest and you justify the over the top birthday ideas. You sip on drinks that are just for adults and enjoy dinner without cleaning food off little faces.

You leave dinner and jump into the car without spending 6 minutes buckling carseats and finding lost toys. You listen to the radio and talk too loud because its a habit when most conversations happen with screaming kids in the background. You find seats at a local bar and sip on beverages not realizing its past bedtime and you are usually rockin' those three day old yoga pants.

The bar closes and you both head out. Thankful for the brief hours together. Time away from the kids and reminders that you are more then a momma and a wife. You are a friend. A woman with a hidden clothing style. A gal who wears earrings and fancy sandals.

I enjoy date nights with my husband. Don't we all?! We can rekindle dreams and laugh about our kids. But I also truly enjoy date nights with my best friends. It's a time where we can just relax and build on a friendship outside of play dates, cold coffee, and refereeing the sharing of toys.

Thank you to all my sweet friends and your friendships that keep me a little less sane. You help calm my storm of craziness.

Breastfeeding

Hello! I was invited by the Tampa Bay Mom's Blog to write a piece on my journey through breast feeding our second child! You can find the article HERE!

The bride to be

I knew when my brother would find "the one" she would have to be someone just perfect. He wears his heart on his sleeve and marriage is special to time. When I first met Shelby, I knew she was "the one", as in my "the one", to be my sister-in-law. 

Shelby fits just right into our wildly loud family. She has the witty jokes to spit back out at my dad and brings wine to functions to share with my mom. She loves Rylee and Jake to the moon and back and never misses sending Rylee a card for each passing holiday. I can easily talk to her, laugh with her, and when I am in panic mode trying to put together the last little things for Rylee's birthday party she swoops right in makes sure everything is in place.

I am so proud of my brother. He found a beautiful woman to start a new chapter in life together. I am excited to see where their adventure leads them and how much love will fill their home. 

All the ladies celebrated their upcoming wedding this past weekend. The shower was just beautiful. Lots of laughter, yummy food, and sweet decorations. 

Shelby, thank you for agreeing to join our family. We promise to make you laugh, embarrass you at some point, give you the best family sunday dinners, and of course you'll have the cutest niece and nephew! I love you and counting down till October 2! I feel so blessed to stand next to you and my brother as you become a wife and my brother becomes your husband.

 I was unaware of how emotional I would become at your shower and how the idea of my brother becoming your HUSBAND turns me into a blubbery mess. I still see my brother as the kid who I teased as a kid, the boy with the toy store tent bed, and busting into my playhouse pretending to be a ninja turtle and ruining my tea party. I still see the kid who would trip me while jumping on the trampoline, yell to everyone in the house that a boy called the house phone to talk to me, and use his mouth vs the cup to get water from the faucet when brushing our teeth. 

But now I see the man my brother has grown to be. How he opens door, carries the kids or my stuff when going to the car, how carefully he buckles Jake into his car seat. I see how he never hesitates when I ask him for help (he has babysat Jake on a whim multiple times). He has helped me move, grab ice for parties, bring food and beer to sunday dinners, and text me to ask how I am doing. I see how he loves Shelby, how he just truly adores. I see how much my brother has grown and how ready he is to become her husband.