Two Months

Jacob Ryan is two months old.

Two months! Really? Time is moving so fast.

Life with two littles has been a whirl wind. Jacob fits so perfectly into our hearts. Rylee is over the moon to be a big sister and is enjoying being helpful. She is eager to find his pacifier, through away a diaper, and give kisses. She would hold him all day is she could.

Jacob is smiling like a champ! He makes cooing noises and I just melt. It has been fun to watch him moving out if the newborn stage and be more engaging. In the sleep department, Jacob enjoys napping while we shop and starting his day at 4am. He loves being carried around in a wrap or the ergo. And I love it to! He is a calm sweet boy. He and I continue to nurse and Ryan bottle feeds him right before bed. Putting all that pumped milk to good use. 300 plus ounces have made their way into our freezer. Bottle feeding before bed also let's mommy have a glass (or two) of wine.

Jacob has also made his debut visit to Disney! He slept most of the time in the ergo as we rode dumbo and the little mermaid.

I am working hard to find a balance with two. Some morning I end on bent knees in tears and others I end with rainbows pouring out of my clean kitchen. But I'm finding my way, learning how to meet their needs, letting go of what's not important, and really taking in this time with them.

Ryan and I went out to dinner without kids for the first time last week. It felt amazing to wear real clothes, a necklace, and share in adult drinks and laughter. Its so easy to be in constant mommy mode and leave no mental space to be his wife.

Hoping I can try and get more thoughts of mine onto this blog. I think once I get them both on the same nap schedule I'll be back to blogging more! Stick around!

Dear Rylee

My little mama, the past few weeks have been rough. Really rough. Rough to were I've his in the garage for a few minutes of quiet time. Too many days we spend not getting along. You have brought me to my knees weeping in tears as I try to find some sort of patience. Too many days I have become frustrated before breakfast and pray the Lord will guide me through the day.

I am trying so hard to be the best momma I can to you. I love you more then I can ever express in words. Your smile brings joy to my heart that brings tears to my eyes. But little momma, we have spent too many days in tears with each other.

Our daily routine has changed. It use to be just us. You and me. Snuggling in bed. Making pancakes. Having tea parties. Enjoying popcorn at target. Roaming the rows of books at Barnes and noble. We shared laughs on walks. I treasure those moments. And I didn't know how much I would truly miss them. Being a big sister means having to not only share your toys, but to share me as your mommy. Neither of us were really prepared for what that meant. You are doing your best to understand and I am struggling.

I can tell you get angry with me. I can't always pick you up or play tea party. Your brother needs all the same attention I gave you, when you were new to this place. You get angry when I ask you to play in your room when I am nursing your brother. Your loud laughter and singing of songs will soon be welcomed by your little brother, but quiet time is something he and I both crave while nursing.

I end too many days in tears. Crying myself to sleep thinking of what a terrible day we had. Guilt rushes my exhausted heart when I think of how short my patience were for you. I doubt my job here as a stay at home mother and not sure what I am doing for you is right. Am I teaching you to be a good loving person? Am I teaching you to be creative? Am I teaching you to have a giving heart?

So many days I am at a loss. I am suppose to be the adult here and sometimes I act like the child. I let my frustration make poor choices. And no one wins. I know better. Exhaustion is my nasty enemy I must fight.

Your will is strong. You are smart as a whip. And your imagination is one I envy. You love me and I love you. Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever been given. Even on our hardest days, I never doubt you and your brother gave me the greatest gift, to be your mother. I wish I knew what to do every time a decision is needed. I wish I had the perfect words to give you during a tantrum. But I am trying. Every day I try.

But I do know what I do right. I know my love for you is like no other. I know you love waffles but prefer pancakes. I know you are most happy running outside. I know loud noises scare you and my hugs make you feel safe. I know you pretend to have a boo-boo so you can wear a princess bandaid. I know you love disney world as much as your daddy and I do. I know all this because I am here. I am here with you, loving you in every moment.

Through the good days and bad days we are us. As your brother gets older we will fall into routine and gain our special moments back together. We will share in giggles while he naps and continue with art projects.

Hold on little momma. We'll find our groove with our sweet little boy and he'll join in all our fun!

Tonight as I was nursing your brother I could hear you play in your room. You were making cupcakes "cake cakes" in your kitchen. I heard your feet carefully walk to your brothers room. Just as I set him down in his crib, you step in singing "happy birthday to mommy" while holding a tray of wooden cupcakes. I nicely ask you to play in your room because at the moment your brothers eyes flung open and I knew I'd have to start over again. You didn't understand my tiredness from your sleepless brother. You didn't understand I was trying to put him to bed so I could have alone time with you. Instead you understood mommy didn't want to play with you. Oh sweet girl that isn't true!

As I rocked you brother back to sleep all I could think of was how proud you were to carry in those cupcakes and sing me a song. Ugh. I lose tears as I write this.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new day to love you, teach you, and give you what you deserve from me. A better me.

Keep on loving me and bringing cupcakes