To my husband -
Yesterday was the day you've been waiting for. The phone call from the chief to promote you to driver. You called me at work and I could feel your energy burst through the phone. Your voice carried excitement and I longed for my work day to be over so I could rush home to hug you.
I am proud of you.
Last night, we went out on a school night and celebrated! As I sat at the bar listening to you share the word for word phone from the chief. I was amazed at how far we've come.
I was thinking back to high school. When you use to eat my peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and my dad would question why I was packing two sandwiches for lunch. I remember there was something I loved about that quiet boy in my English class and one day you would be mine.
I remember the long nights of drilling you with practice test questions for emt and paramedic school. I remember the day you were hired on at Tampa. We weren't hustling to find a babysitter but spontaneously met up with friends to celebrate into the wee hours. We were a wild bunch.
Its been almost 10 years since you asked me to be yours and how much we have changed. I became your wife and we became a family. I have never stopped loving you but I will admit there are days I'm not so good at being your wife. There are days that I don't seem to break even with splitting my time between you and the kids. I always put you first, loved you first, and did my best to carry our vows in my daily actions. You've always tried to guide me in the right direction to balance it all and I've been fighting you.
But I've been listening.
In the quietness on my morning drive to work, I've been really thinking about us and I'm sorry, for there are things you need to know...
I need you to know I remember the person I use to be. So many days I lose track of who I am and forget the wife I was to you. My day is covered in tasks revolving around our children. I sometimes lack the mental ability to be the girl you feel in love with. I look at my reflection and I don't always recognize who I see. I need you to know I miss that girl too.
I need you to know, through all this chaos, I still want to have fun. I don't consider myself boring but constant exhaustion makes me look blah. When the sleepless baby nights pass, I promise to spunk it up a bit more and say yes to those late night movie dates with you.
I need you to know I see you. I notice the way you love our children. The image of you rocking Jake to sleep, humming a song, is burned into my brain. I notice how to make sure I'm never without coffee and you keep my car clean for me. I see how you reach out for me when I'm having a tough day and I sadly push you away because I think I need some space. I notice when you pick out a new cider for me to try and always remember I love root beer in the glass bottles. I see you rushing to clean up when I come home. I see you. I notice you. And I don't always let you know, but thank you.
I need you to know I love you. I don't say it enough. I don't remind you enough. I use to be so diligent in saying every night, every morning, anytime of the day I felt it. I let my mind fill with too much useless worry and fluff, I forgot how simple and meaningful those three words are. I love you.
I need you to know I still think you got it going on! Twenty nine years barely shows on you. You are always sharp in your uniform and the color red on you is still my favorite. You need to know my heart still flutters from your freshness of the shower and watching you mow the lawn.
I need you to know how proud I am of you. You work hard for us and I don't always give you enough recognition. Your promotion has you on cloud nine. I'm raising my #1 foam finger for you as I ride along.
I'm not sure where our future will take us. I can't promise I'll be perfect. I can't promise I won't fight you on a TV to watch and not fall asleep during the opening credits.
But I need you to know I'm here. Still here making those pb&j's. I love you.
