She's still my first

I'm still learning how to be a mother of two.

I've mastered surviving the morning till nap time and counting down minutes till bedtime. I'm working hard to master the day when the sleep through the night fairy has yet to bless my little babe. I'm figuring out how to keep laundry under control and feel accomplished when the dirty basket is empty at the end of the day. Jake and I are gold medal Olympians in the nursing category and earning a silver medal in changing a poop diaper while fighting off the toddler who threw your last wipe across the room. I'm working hard (yet failing) to make time for my husband at the end of a long day to watch of grown up shows when an additional 43 minutes of sleep is more appeasing.

But what troubles me is really really balancing both kids. Mommas! Tell me your secrets. Because some days I feel like a bouncy ball thrown down a long hallway, being pushed from one side to the other, sometimes hitting the bottom floor.

I find myself not always being available in the same way I have always been for Rylee. My first born. My beautiful daughter. I know, I know, she won't remember this stage of her life; but I will remember. I know she knows she is loved by me. I know she is glad I am home with her.

But does she know how much I miss her? Does she know how much I want to make this time home with her as special as I can? How much I miss the little moments of just me and her. Mommy and daughter. 

It hit me today while riding the carousel at Disney. Usually Jake is riding the Ergo with me, I stand along the fence, and wave as she and Ryan ride the iconic white horses. Today was the day I got to ride with her. I felt like I won the lottery. We giggled as we waited in line. She pointed to Cinderella's castle and told me she wanted to sleep there. And invited me too. She played with my "belle hair" (because its brown) and said "I love you momma". I just died. I didn't want the line to end. I didn't want these little moments to end. I needed more to fill my cup.

We hopped on a horse and she told me " mommy I scoot up and you sit behind me. Like daddy does". But it was me this time. 

She held my hand and showed me how to princess wave when we rode around and saw Ryan. She was so excited when the ride started to turn us and I begged we would get one extra turn. She would wave to Ryan and said "mommy you riding the horse with me today".

I lost my composure and my tears feel to her hair.

The ride ended all to quick and we hoped off. And it was back to two babes.

I love my two babies. Saying they mean the world to me is such a small use of words to explain how big my heart is for them. But Rylee holds such a special place in my big heart. She made me a mother, a little crazy one at times, but a mother. She taught me how to really love. How to really see pure happiness and selfishly not want it to end.

And m heart shares a huge place for my sweet son. That little boy brought me to see a whole new side of being a mother and I am forever thankful to him.

Seven months

Oh hey time, you keep slipping by without notice.

I can't believe our sweet Jake is seven months old!

He is crawling, sitting up, and really developing his love for his woody doll.

A momma's moment

Rylee and I bake at least once a week. Its something I really treasure with her. Nothing fancy. Just box cakes and premade cookie dough. But those sweet moments I have mixing ingredients along side her are ranked in my top favorite.

As I was making her peanut butter and honey sandwich, I asked her where honey comes from..."from Winnie the poohs pot'. Haha!!

As she pulled up her chair to start mixing ingredients she ripped open the box to pull out the bag of mix. She flipped it over and said we need three eggs. I watches her count the eggs!! Seriously proud momma.

Then she fought me that the bowl I use with the mixer is actually a big cup because it has a handle! Say what?!

She started to add more sprinkles (there is never enough sprinkles) and I asked her where sprinkles come from..."target mommy". Child genius!

Her second favorite part is to put the paper cups into the pan followed by her favorite part, taking too many "one" licks from the batter bowl.

These ten minutes made every chaotic moment pause. And really reminded me I'm doing something really right around her!

And she offered to wash dishes! She's in the running for favorite kid of the day!

Five Months

Little Jake turns five months old today!

Dear time, slow down. Your moving too fast.

Five Months
Rolling over like crazy and a wiggle worm when held
Laughing out loud!
Smiling for anyone who loves on him
Had his first taste of applesauce and wasn't impressed
Nursing every 3-4 hours
Slept through the night a week ago!!!
developed a love for the aden and anais security blankets and lovey
He enjoys being held in the ergo or wrap
Enjoyed his 14th disney trip last week
Attempting to sit but only last a few seconds till he face plants
He loves his sister amd she enjoys making him laugh with silly faces
He is a complete mommas boy!

Sweet Jake

Sweet Jacob Ryan

My love for you is like no other. Its strong, yet gentle. Fierce, yet calm. You changed who am I as a mother. You gave me more laughter through chaos, my tears of joy, and daily reminders how amazingly lucky I am to be home with you and your sister. You've helped me to slow down a little and let laundry sit in trade for naps with you.

And let's not be fooled, you contribute to me spending more at target.

I believe I've earned another badge to be worn on my sleeve for how far we've come in nursing. Nursing you was a struggle the first few months. I had no idea what I was doing, but you were so patient. During those long days of feeling like a 24 hr milk maid, you kept along with me and didn't fight me as I struggled. Nursing you has been a beautiful part of our early relationship and I can fully understand why other mommas rave about it.

While pregnant with you, mommas would tell me how special the bond is with their sons. How its different from their daughters. I only loved your sister. I only knew girly cuddles.

I get it. I so get it now. A son is like no other.

The way you look at me when I hold you tight in the wrap shoots right to my soul. The way you hold my finger while nursing calms my chaos inside. How you love to be hip held so you can place your head over my heart tops it off. There is just something about you, something about your love for me that rocks my socks off.

You love for me is caring. You love me in a way no else will ever compare to.

Its beautiful

I'm thankful for the mother you've shaped me to be. Your love fills the hearts of our family. From a person so small and unable to speak to me with words, you sure do light up a room with your smile and sweet heart.

As the sun starts to rise and you fall back asleep for your morning nap, I think I'll hold on to you a little longer before your sister rises and your dad comes home from work. Because my sweet Jake, you'll be five months old in just a few weeks and I can barely keep it together. Stay little. Let's not rush this time away. I won't always be with you and I can't muster up the courage to face that just yet.

His hands

I will most always admit I am caught up in a storm of a mental mess. Worrying about something or another. Stressing over daily life activities, some important, some not. Thinking about how fast Jake is growing and looking at Rylee hoping my parenting skills are shaping her into a good kid.

And when I start a tornado of panic about laundry, what's for dinner, enough play time with Rylee, he grabs my hands. And softly yanks me back to reality.

His hands

They held onto mine during our first Jacks Mannequin concert as we sang along when we were just a few months into our relationship.

His hands

Nervously held a small ring box as he asked me to be his wife. They held onto mine as he nervously stood in front of me and repeated vows. Vows we work hard to keeping close and never let fail us.

His hands

Turned our house into a home with countless and continuous improvement projects.

His hands

Held mine when we found out our first child would be his daughter. As I always jumped off the table with excitement he wiped tears if joy with those hands.

His hands

Have picked Rylee up when she has fallen. Held her tight for hugs. Tucked her into bed. Held her high to see a Disney princess parade. Protected her from a lizard. Taught her how to use a hammer. And showed her how to high five.

His hands

Flung up with joy when news of a son would join of family. Those hands held Jake during his first few hours of being in this world and changed the first diaper.

His hands

Are rough. Scarred. Weathered and worn. They have saved lives. Fixed toys and fed babies. They are soft. Thoughtful and provide the feeling of being safely in love.

Christmas

Christmas was very special to me this year. Rylee's heart has been so open to faith and believing in new things. I spent time with her talking about Jesus and the celebration of his birth. She wanted to make Jesus a birthday cake!

Santa was easy for her to understand.

She really enjoyed helping me wrap gifts and took time to find a perfect place to put them under the tree. Her giving heart was shining. 
Christmas eve was spent with Ryan on shift and I took our littles to my aunta house. I have spent so many christmas Eves there and no other place feels like holiday then there.

Christmas morning was beautiful.  I hid Rylee in our room till Ryan came home so we could both see her face when she first laid eyes on what santa left her. She turned the corner of the hallway and was in awe. She told santa, a week before Christmas,  she wanted a pink princess garbage truck! Say what?! Ryan hopped on amazon and found a pink dump truck! I left the truck unwrapped and she yelled "he did it! Santa brought me a pink truck!" Best moment.  It wasn't about the actual gift, but that we gave her something innocent to believe in. It was magical.