The name in her backpack

I've packed Rylee a backpack plenty of times. A bag for sleep overs at Nana's, a bag for Disney, a bag for the beach, a bag to go shopping with daddy.

But I've never written her name in her backpack. She was always with us. I know of every item in her backpack, the true love of her bunny packed safely inside, and which snacks she would eat first. I know which bag she prefers for different trips.

I wasn't prepared for this morning when I wrote her name into her backpack for she'll be backstage for her big dance recital tonight.

"Rylee's"

It was strange. And I just stared at her name. Because I blinked, time is racing by and she really is growing up. No matter how much I plea for this time to stand still and let me soak it all in, she is growing.

Seeing her name on the inside of her made me think of the life she'll oh too soon have that won't always include me. From starting school to growing up and becoming a bride.

As I collect myself, wipe tears away, and put snacks into her bag, I think of the little girl she is becoming.

I pray her sassy attitude will ward off any bullies and her kind heart will hug those in need.

I pray her strong willed personality guides her into doing grand things and her sense of humor keeps her grounded.

I pray her love is felt and cherished by others and never taken for granted.

I pray she stands strong in this big world and offers a hand to those having a hard day.

Her sweet name, written in black sharpie, startled me and pulled me back to look at the big picture here. While some days I am wishing away her time as a wild toddler, I have to remember this time is so short.

One day she'll be writing her own name. Not me. And when that day comes, you'll find me in a corner a blubbery mess.

the neighbor

He has just started self feeding. Mashed potatoes were on tonight's menu and without hesitation he inhaled them. He left evidence of potatoes all over is face, hair, clothes, and that dang hard to clean high chair. I fight this high chair every night to be clean. I lose the battle often because of the too many nook and crannies and the too self to clean for another messy meal.

So I sent us all outside, high chair as the main event, and washed the many meal fed high chair in the front yard.

As cars passed by, I couldn't imagine their thoughts of the spectacle they were viewing. A swimsuited toddler running around with a hose singing the same verse from the little mermaid, a sweet baby in a walked on the side walk eating leaves from a bush, and a tired frazzled half soaked momma scrubbing a high chair.

Maybe the young teenagers received their monthly dose of birth control. Maybe a soon to be momma promised she'd never do that! Maybe I gave a momma of littles a brilliant idea or a veteran momma tipped her hat off to me.

As I dragged us all back inside and placed the shiny high chair back into place, I stared out of kitchen window and laughed. What kind of mother do my neighbors think I am? What do they see? What the heck do they hear?

Do they see me pause for a few moments when I take put the trash? Can they tell I'm absorbing those few moments as "me" time?

Do they hear the chaos of mornings when the rush of the needs for chocolate milk, breakfast, and nursing hit the table at once?

Do they see all my awesome dance moves through Rylee's window? They must be jealous of how I dip my sweet daughter and make her giggle.

Do they hear the songs of a lullabye at midnight and see the figure eight sway of my hips, as I soothe our youngest back to sleep? Maybe the 19th round of hush little baby soothes them into dreamland.

Maybe they catch a glimpse of my frustration when its taking 19 minutes to gather two littles and there things for a trip to publix.

Do they feel the mommy guilty that floods through my heart every night?  The doubt that fills my head and my promises to make the next day better?

Do they hear the hilarious stories my daughter shares with me on walks? Do they mind she always picks a yellow flower from the same yard, walks along decorative bricks as a balance beam, and screams lousy when she sees the yard of animal statues?

Do they hear my prayers? They must because they are loud and hard. Maybe they pray also for a long nap time.

Do they see my scramble for kept up laundry, cleaned dishes, and meals made?

Do they hear the laughter of a sweet boy and his silly faced sister?

Do they feel the warmth of tears that string down my face what I'm having one of "those" days?

Do they smell the weekly baked goods my daughter and I bake? Maybe they hear the giggles as we lick the bowl.

But I hope they feel the love I have for my family. I hope they hear the laughter and the I love you's.  I hope they think I'm a mother who tries her best and forgives when failure hits my front porch. I hope they see how deep my love runs but understands when my patience aren't always full.

I hope we all look to our neighbor mommas with a kind heart. Being a mother has been my grandest yet toughest job and yet there is nothing better then a smile from the car passing by. Reminding me its OK. Hard days will be smothered by sweeter memories and when that high chair is covered in another round of mashed foods from a oh so cheerful baby.

8 months

Our little Jake is eight months old!

He has mastered crawling and pulling himself up. He is fearless when he climbs onto Rylee's bathroom step or onto her bed. His daily activities include playing with his toys, helping Rylee cook in her kitchen, flipping the dogs water bowl, and unrolling the toilet paper roll.

He continues to be a joyful baby and his giggle lights up a room. We can't get enough cuddles from this sweet boy.

She's still my first

I'm still learning how to be a mother of two.

I've mastered surviving the morning till nap time and counting down minutes till bedtime. I'm working hard to master the day when the sleep through the night fairy has yet to bless my little babe. I'm figuring out how to keep laundry under control and feel accomplished when the dirty basket is empty at the end of the day. Jake and I are gold medal Olympians in the nursing category and earning a silver medal in changing a poop diaper while fighting off the toddler who threw your last wipe across the room. I'm working hard (yet failing) to make time for my husband at the end of a long day to watch of grown up shows when an additional 43 minutes of sleep is more appeasing.

But what troubles me is really really balancing both kids. Mommas! Tell me your secrets. Because some days I feel like a bouncy ball thrown down a long hallway, being pushed from one side to the other, sometimes hitting the bottom floor.

I find myself not always being available in the same way I have always been for Rylee. My first born. My beautiful daughter. I know, I know, she won't remember this stage of her life; but I will remember. I know she knows she is loved by me. I know she is glad I am home with her.

But does she know how much I miss her? Does she know how much I want to make this time home with her as special as I can? How much I miss the little moments of just me and her. Mommy and daughter. 

It hit me today while riding the carousel at Disney. Usually Jake is riding the Ergo with me, I stand along the fence, and wave as she and Ryan ride the iconic white horses. Today was the day I got to ride with her. I felt like I won the lottery. We giggled as we waited in line. She pointed to Cinderella's castle and told me she wanted to sleep there. And invited me too. She played with my "belle hair" (because its brown) and said "I love you momma". I just died. I didn't want the line to end. I didn't want these little moments to end. I needed more to fill my cup.

We hopped on a horse and she told me " mommy I scoot up and you sit behind me. Like daddy does". But it was me this time. 

She held my hand and showed me how to princess wave when we rode around and saw Ryan. She was so excited when the ride started to turn us and I begged we would get one extra turn. She would wave to Ryan and said "mommy you riding the horse with me today".

I lost my composure and my tears feel to her hair.

The ride ended all to quick and we hoped off. And it was back to two babes.

I love my two babies. Saying they mean the world to me is such a small use of words to explain how big my heart is for them. But Rylee holds such a special place in my big heart. She made me a mother, a little crazy one at times, but a mother. She taught me how to really love. How to really see pure happiness and selfishly not want it to end.

And m heart shares a huge place for my sweet son. That little boy brought me to see a whole new side of being a mother and I am forever thankful to him.

Seven months

Oh hey time, you keep slipping by without notice.

I can't believe our sweet Jake is seven months old!

He is crawling, sitting up, and really developing his love for his woody doll.

A momma's moment

Rylee and I bake at least once a week. Its something I really treasure with her. Nothing fancy. Just box cakes and premade cookie dough. But those sweet moments I have mixing ingredients along side her are ranked in my top favorite.

As I was making her peanut butter and honey sandwich, I asked her where honey comes from..."from Winnie the poohs pot'. Haha!!

As she pulled up her chair to start mixing ingredients she ripped open the box to pull out the bag of mix. She flipped it over and said we need three eggs. I watches her count the eggs!! Seriously proud momma.

Then she fought me that the bowl I use with the mixer is actually a big cup because it has a handle! Say what?!

She started to add more sprinkles (there is never enough sprinkles) and I asked her where sprinkles come from..."target mommy". Child genius!

Her second favorite part is to put the paper cups into the pan followed by her favorite part, taking too many "one" licks from the batter bowl.

These ten minutes made every chaotic moment pause. And really reminded me I'm doing something really right around her!

And she offered to wash dishes! She's in the running for favorite kid of the day!

Five Months

Little Jake turns five months old today!

Dear time, slow down. Your moving too fast.

Five Months
Rolling over like crazy and a wiggle worm when held
Laughing out loud!
Smiling for anyone who loves on him
Had his first taste of applesauce and wasn't impressed
Nursing every 3-4 hours
Slept through the night a week ago!!!
developed a love for the aden and anais security blankets and lovey
He enjoys being held in the ergo or wrap
Enjoyed his 14th disney trip last week
Attempting to sit but only last a few seconds till he face plants
He loves his sister amd she enjoys making him laugh with silly faces
He is a complete mommas boy!