To my husband: the things you need to know

To my husband -

Yesterday was the day you've been waiting for. The phone call from the chief to promote you to driver. You called me at work and I could feel your energy burst through the phone. Your voice carried excitement and I longed for my work day to be over so I could rush home to hug you.

I am proud of you.

Last night, we went out on a school night and celebrated! As I sat at the bar listening to you share the word for word phone from the chief. I was amazed at how far we've come.

I was thinking back to high school. When you use to eat my peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and my dad would question why I was packing two sandwiches for lunch. I remember there was something I loved about that quiet boy in my English class and one day you would be mine.

I remember the long nights of drilling you with practice test questions for emt and paramedic school. I remember the day you were hired on at Tampa. We weren't hustling to find a babysitter but spontaneously met up with friends to celebrate into the wee hours. We were a wild bunch.

Its been almost 10 years since you asked me to be yours and how much we have changed. I became your wife and we became a family. I have never stopped loving you but I will admit there are days I'm not so good at being your wife. There are days that I don't seem to break even with splitting my time between you and the kids. I always put you first, loved you first, and did my best to carry our vows in my daily actions.  You've always tried to guide me in the right direction to balance it all and I've been fighting you.

But I've been listening.

In the quietness on my morning drive to work, I've been really thinking about us and I'm sorry, for there are things you need to know...

I need you to know I remember the person I use to be. So many days I lose track of who I am and forget the wife I was to you. My day is covered in tasks revolving around our children. I sometimes lack the mental ability to be the girl you feel in love with. I look at my reflection and I don't always recognize who I see. I need you to know I miss that girl too. 

I need you to know, through all this chaos, I still want to have fun. I don't consider myself boring but constant exhaustion makes me look blah. When the sleepless baby nights pass, I promise to spunk it up a bit more and say yes to those late night movie dates with you.

I need you to know I see you. I notice the way you love our children. The image of you rocking Jake to sleep, humming a song, is burned into my brain. I notice how to make sure I'm never without coffee and you keep my car clean for me. I see how you reach out for me when I'm having a tough day and I sadly push you away because I think I need some space. I notice when you pick out a new cider for me to try and always remember I love root beer in the glass bottles. I see you rushing to clean up when I come home. I see you. I notice you. And I don't always let you know, but thank you.

I need you to know I love you. I don't say it enough. I don't remind you enough. I use to be so diligent in saying every night, every morning, anytime of the day I felt it. I let my mind fill with too much useless worry and fluff, I forgot how simple and meaningful those three words are. I love you.

I need you to know I still think you got it going on! Twenty nine years barely shows on you. You are always sharp in your uniform and the color red on you is still my favorite. You need to know my heart still flutters from your freshness of the shower and watching you mow the lawn.

I need you to know how proud I am of you. You work hard for us and I don't always give you enough recognition. Your promotion has you on cloud nine. I'm raising my #1 foam finger for you as I ride along.

I'm not sure where our future will take us. I can't promise I'll be perfect. I can't promise I won't fight you on a TV to watch and not fall asleep during the opening credits.

But I need you to know I'm here. Still here making those pb&j's. I love you.

Monday Morning Mommas

I stood in my kitchen this morning pouring my coffee into my tervis cup and it hit me how much I miss pouring my coffee into my ceramic cup. The same cup I have used for years, the one I favored from our Polish tea set we received as a wedding gift. I see the cup sitting in the dryer and regret every morning I woke up feeling grumpy from a sleepless night with Jake. I miss my morning routine of coffee and pancakes and chaos and my littles at my feet. As my new routine falls into place and I sneak out of the house while they are still asleep, I think of all my mommas out there.

To my mommas who are off to work. It's hard. I know. You're tired. Your to-do didn't get finished and you are feeling like it will never get done. The mom guilty is hanging so heavy on your heart as you pull crying little ones off you so you can leave for work. You drive in your silent car and start planning your week in your head of what days you'll assign to which task. You've got this. It will be Friday soon enough! Enjoy your lunch with co-workers (grownups!) and the quiet time you have to yourself in the car. Blast your favorite songs and treat yourself to an over priced drive through coffee!

To my mommas who are at home. It's hard. I know. Its ground hog day and you wonder if this will be the day you lose your marbles at target when your toddler is mid tantrum over you buying the toilet paper with the bear on it and not the baby. You keep checking the clock if its time for your play day, where you can have a halfsies convo with your best friend and you pray she has fresh coffee. I hope your littes nap extra long for you so you can eat lunch, fold some laundry, watch the show you recorded last month, and take a nap yourself.

To my new mommas out there who are holding their new, sweet smelling up-all night babies. I know. It's hard. You haven't slept more then a few hours in days. It's Monday, I know you probably can't remember what day it is and its perfectly awesome to wear that outfit today, the one you have been wearing the past 5 days. You look in the mirror and wonder who you are. It's just a phase and you will miss it. I promise. I hope your little one sleeps in today so you can find rest and a hot shower. And they nap hard while you wonder the aisles of target and oogle over those non-maternity jeans.

To all my mommas out there. Whatever adventure you are on. You've got this. One of my best friends once told me the days seem so long yet the years go by oh too fast. Let's just remind ourselves it's just a phase and to savor those sweet moments.

Happy Monday, Mommas

Jake doesn't like cake

As Jake's first birthday is peeping around the corner, I am being crazy lady planning his first birthday celebration.  Here's a sneak peek of his cuteness and his dislike for cake!

Her first day

Dear Rylee,

Today was your first day of preschool. Your first day of very many into your adventure of being a student. Your first day of life experiences that will not always involve mommy.

Last night we picked out your first day of school outfit, packed your lunch, put your folder in your backpack, and talked about the fun things your will do at school. You were so excited. You told me it will be OK when I started to tear up and that you'll see me after lunch. Your excitement made me so exited for you.

I am proud of you. You are a sassy girl with a strong will. You love sincerely and give from your heart. You care for others and love snuggles. When I dropped you off at school today I couldn't believe how far we've come. You and me. Thinking back to the days as a newborn when all you did was cry and I was trying to hard to figure out how to be your mom. To the toddler days we spent just you and me while daddy was on duty. To each birthday we celebrated, knowing after we celebrated birthday number three you would be starting school. I am thankful for the sweet times we had together and that you were able to spend time home with your daddy and aunt the past three years.

I am so eager to see how school will help you grow. Excitement filled my heart this morning holding your little hand as we walked to your classroom. Your first classroom. You were such a big girl as you put your backpack on your hook and showed your teacher your unicorn lunch box. I told you it was time for me to go home. You ran over to me, gave me the warmest hug and biggest kiss. I lost it in that moment. I didn't want to let you go. But I knew it was time for me to let you start creating memories. Tears were so full in my eyes and my words were so shaking when I said good bye.

"see you after lunch mommy"

I can promise you I will soak up the next two mornings/afternoons when I drop you off and pick you up. I will hang on your every word and probe you with a million questions. It's an honest feeling that I am not ready to return to work on Monday. I'm still in denial. I feel sad I may miss some activities at your school and will miss seeing you off to school every morning. I promise the halloween party I signed up to organize will be spook-tacular! I want you to know I love you everyday. And even though I won't be able to pick you up from school, you are my favorite girl. I want to show you how to work hard. I want to teach you how important your education is.

I love you Rylee Marie. You make me proud to be your momma and I am counting the minutes down till I pick you up at noon and hear all about your first day!!

Love, Momma

fancy fancy tea party

Our Rylee Marie is all things girly! Tea parties and pretending to be a bride are the current favorites. With her first day of school approaching in three days (insert mommy crying) I am trying to really enjoy these last few days with her and Jake. I return to work in one week and I will ugly cry about it to anyone. So for the next three days I plan to jam pack her days of favorite things.

Today she hosted her first tea party. She asked required her guest to wear something "fancy fancy". Our guests were quick to comply! We shopped for treats yesterday and she hand picked all the desserts. She was upset I did not let her buy everyone their own mini publix cake...all though we would all love that!

We drank tea with our pinkies up. Ate half eaten cookies. Rylee had trouble putting the cookies on the plate without grabbing a few bites. We giggled. And we had a dance party to end the morning! Rylee was a great host and sent her guest home with their own "bride flower".

YES! My mom is wearing her wedding dress!! 

Date night!

It's date night!!

Ya know, that special date night!

The one where you text back and forth all day sharing excitement of going out. You actually take a shower, blow out your hair, add some curls, put on eye liner and lipstick. You pick out a favorite dress that isn't nursing accessible and pair it with the necklace you found at target last week and sent pictures to your bf to justify your purchase.

The kind of date that you planned 4 weeks ago because its the only day both husbands would be home with the kids. It's the date when you remind your husband 32 times a day that you are planning to leave at 7:30.

It's that special date with your sweetest friend!

When you share uncontrollable laughter and try not to pee your pants (darn post baby bladders) You share stories of crazy kids and husbands. She shares her recent pins on Pinterest and you justify the over the top birthday ideas. You sip on drinks that are just for adults and enjoy dinner without cleaning food off little faces.

You leave dinner and jump into the car without spending 6 minutes buckling carseats and finding lost toys. You listen to the radio and talk too loud because its a habit when most conversations happen with screaming kids in the background. You find seats at a local bar and sip on beverages not realizing its past bedtime and you are usually rockin' those three day old yoga pants.

The bar closes and you both head out. Thankful for the brief hours together. Time away from the kids and reminders that you are more then a momma and a wife. You are a friend. A woman with a hidden clothing style. A gal who wears earrings and fancy sandals.

I enjoy date nights with my husband. Don't we all?! We can rekindle dreams and laugh about our kids. But I also truly enjoy date nights with my best friends. It's a time where we can just relax and build on a friendship outside of play dates, cold coffee, and refereeing the sharing of toys.

Thank you to all my sweet friends and your friendships that keep me a little less sane. You help calm my storm of craziness.

Breastfeeding

Hello! I was invited by the Tampa Bay Mom's Blog to write a piece on my journey through breast feeding our second child! You can find the article HERE!