What happens at 5:13 AM

I hear him whimper. I hear him gearing up to let me know, although he's pushing 10 lbs, that he is starving. I check my phone for a time, praying loudly its 7 AM, only to moan that's its 5:13.

5:13 on a tuesday...it is tuesday?...yes, yes its a tuesday.

I grab my little bundle of joy and feed him. He's quick to nurse. Gives me a champion of a burp. I change his diaper and clean his little bum. I rock him for a few moments and I start thinking "yes! I got him back to sleep!". I pull his sweetness away from my shoulder only to see his wide open eyes saying " oh hey momma. Let's get our day started. You didn't think I was going back to bed did you?"

So we leave our bedroom, the place I use to get sleep in, and start the walk down the hallway to his room. I briefly think I will do this walk a million more times before he grows up and moves out. So I walk slowly, enjoying the walk with him in my arms because a million more walks holding my son will never seem enough.

We get to his room and turn on his lamp. Yep, he's still wide awake. I put him down in his crib and I pull out my breast pump for our daily meeting. I pump for a few reasons: one - I produce a ton more milk. Two - my goal is to hive J bm till his first birthday. Three - I want...need...must have a glass of wine in the near future. In the nine minutes I pump, I softly sing "take me out to the ball game" 19 times to soothe J and check Instagram. Pumping is over and J is quiet. I peak over the rail of the crib hoping for a sleepy babe. Nope. Wide eyes still but he's calm.

So I mentally start making a list of what needs done around the house. There's laundry to fold, a bathroom to clean, and packing for an afternoon trip to Disney. I gran cleaning supplies and head towards to the bathroom. As I'm cleaning up Ariel and rubber ducks from the tub I decide "hey! I'll take a bath". So I borrow some of Rylee's  rapunzel shampoo as bubble bath and begin to relax. J Cry's as soon as I sit down. I try to soothe him by singing and a pacifier but no go. Fearing he'll wake the other sleepy kid and I'll have to share this bath with her playing with princess Ariel, I scoop him up and stand in the bath and rock him to sleep. " take me out to the ball game" is sung 7 times.

I clean up, briefly think to shave my legs, and then hop out while J is asleep. I throw on some make up, blow dry my hair, and I'm ready. I change us into a Halloween romper and shirt, Because having a good theme to a party always makes it fun.

By now its 6:30 am. And as much as I want to go back to bed, I know the second I fall asleep I'll hear my sweet girl calling my name and letting me know the sun is up so she can be awake too.

Coffee. Fresh caffeine in a cup. I make some. I fold laundry, wash pump supplies and steam pacifiers. Start to gather survival items for disney. I write a list for target. For as soon as 8 hits the clock, I'm racing out of here (with J in tow) to buy diapers and wonder the aisles till J says its time to go.

Our day has begun. And this is our new normal. Jake only wakes twice after falling asleep around 9:30, around 2:30ish and between 5-6. I can't complain too much. Though I wish I had the mythological baby who sleeps through the night after being birthed.

I hope all who reads has a beautiful day. Know that as a mommy I am on your side and cheering for you. Our days as momma's are long and filled with joy and exhaustion. Let's conquer today. Let's make the sleepless night into a good day, hug our littles tighter, and smile harder when your tank of patience is almost empty.

Another Momma's Remider

Last night was rough.

Not due to the sleeplessness of an infant or the toddler crying out for me. But due to my own pure emotional exhaustion.

I send an S.O.S. text to a best friend and in pure selfishness I hoped she would give up a few minutes of her sleep to feed me the encouraging words to so badly craved.

She called within a minute and I barely spit out a hello before the tears flowed.

I admitted to yelling at Rylee that day and how disgusting I felt for it. I wined about how exhausted I was to be a 24 hour milk machine and how I'm stuck wearing a nursing bra and pads otherwise I'll leak every where. I cried for wanting just a few moments to myself and how disheveled I was for losing my predictable schedule. I lost it when I noticed I still smelled of spit up after a 3 minute shower I took with a toddler at my feet.

And she said all the perfect things...

I know, that's rough...

Its just a phase...

Rylee won't remember...

Ugh its so exhausting...

You've got this!...

Sometimes another mommy's encouragement is so needed. We're all together in this journey as mommy's. There's no place for judgment or comparison. Only a place for understanding and encouragement. Sweet words on days that seem endless and sharing in happy first moments.

I am no perfect mother. There aren't enough IG filters to make my life perfect. And I don't want it to be. A little sanity would be nice, but not perfection.

As our call was ending, tears became laughter and my spirits were lifted. As I was rocking little J to sleep I thought of all the things I did accomplish. All the things I did right yesterday.

I loved on my two sweet littles.

I took two kids to the doctor and made it there on time

I treated myself to a Coke via chick-fil-a drive through and savored every last sip.

I made Rylee a wrap for her babies to "hold baby like mommy"

I sang "take me out to the ball game" 17 times to J

I completed two loads of laundry

Put a sleepy toddler to bed 15 mins early

And rocked a sweet boy to sleep

So in a day filled with pure chaos, a screaming baby, and a tantrum throwing toddler, I vow to end my day listing the "rights". Ignoring all that I didn't accomplish or what I failed at. Even through all the chaos, I love this life. There will be a day when I don't live in the same yoga pants for five days or smell of spit up. I will miss this. I will miss two littles needing me and their snuggles.

So here goes today, hoping to make it better then yesterday.

{And now my pitty party is over. Thanks for reading through the end}

 

One Month

One Month Old

We survived the first month

And boy it was a doozy!

Having another little one has quite a new adventure in parenthood.

Rylee is enjoying being a big sister. She thinks its fun to help change diapers and try to shove a pacifier in Jake's mouth. Surprisingly his crying at night doesn't wake her and he doesn't wake when she runs around our wood floor house in her princess shoes.

Ryan has taken over most of the daily Rylee activities, including dance class. I can really see a new bond they are both developing. She has always been my little girl but its beautiful to see the father/daughter relationship. I will admit though, its hard when she prefers daddy to take her to dance class then me.

Jake is fitting in just right. He's a good sleeper, wakes to eat, then dozes back into dream land. As a pair, we are working on our nursing skills. Since I didn't nurse with Rylee, I am a newbie along side him. I would say most often we have it down and every once in a while we struggle with a good latch but we power through. I've shed a few tears over nursing. Tears of joy when he latched at the hospital an hour after birth and tears of frustration when he doesn't latch well and spits up all down my shirt.

I've also started pumping in the morning. He goes down around 9:30-10 and sleeps till about 2:30 to eat, sleeps, up again at 5:30 then back down. I'm very lucky to be a milk making machine so in the morning I'm overly full. I have about 100 ounces frozen. Not sure when we'll introduce a bottle. Selfishly I don't want it to interfere with his preference to nurse but selfishly I'd like a long evening away with Ryan and a glass of wine. 

I am enjoying our new family of four. Not eager for him to grow too fast. Loving the squishy baby sleep through a target trip  time. To celebrate his one month, we went to dinner (leaving Rylee with her aunt). He quietly sat in the car seat as I ate the goat cheese I've waited 9 months for without coming up for air.

Hope to blog more soon. So many thoughts and emotions I'd like to have written down for Rylee and Jake to read some day

A bowl of popcorn

While I was pregnant, I teased (OK, prayed!) we would have an easy baby. One who goes with the flow, only cries when he wants to eat, nurses like a champ, and sleeps like crazy.  We were blessed with an easy baby! And I have thanked the heavens everyday.

Our first bundle of joy was (is) anything but easy. As an infant, she cried all day and night. We had a terrible time trying to nurse and she was never content to sit in the car seat. As new parents we were a mess and I was scared. Our first joy is now two and she is our little firecracker. Constantly on the move and testing my boundaries as a parent. Her cleverness is amazing and her ability to learn new things is fantastic. Yet her ability to drive me crazy some days is not so fun.

I'll admit, some days parenting my little toddler is hard. I end my day thinking "well I could have done better with her. Not let myself get so frustrated when she didn't nap but pooped in her bed. Or when she through a tantrum at target over...I can't remember what is was over". Some days I just stink at parenting. I'm at a loss and question when the terrible twos will end and we will move into the stage of enjoying a trip to target or even a (gasp!) restaurant. There a huge place in my hearts that beats just for her. A love pours from that spot just for her. And I love that she loves me back through the chaos and through the days I am not up to pare.

Since bringing Jake home, Rylee has done her best to adjust. She enjoys her brother being here unless it interferes with her time with just me. She isn't a fan of him when she needs a hug while I am nursing or wants a cookie while I am mid poop diaper change. I try to make time just for her. Making sure I am acknowledging when she is being good to her brother. I remind her how special her job is at a big sister and when she gets older it will be of such importance.

I'm playing in a new ball game with two littles. Thrown onto the field with no idea of my opposing team. I've learned the let dishes sit in the sink in trade of play time and laundry to cycle through refresh again in trade of a nap.

Today I took advantage of Jake still asleep to share a bowl of popcorn with my little girl. We snuggled, watched cartoons, and giggled when we both put our hands in the bowl. I took in the sweet moments of her saying thank you, yummy, and more please mommy. I remember holding her as an infant and can't believe I'm now snuggling with her as a toddler.

So tomorrow we'll have more bowls of popcorn and giggle when I steal her popcorn bites.

Our First Week

We made it through our first week. The new normal is setting in and we love it. Hearing my husband say "I'll put the kids in the car" yesterday made the surrealism of Jacob in our life slowly fade away. Within just seven days, our little world feels complete.  Jacob has reminded Ryan and I how fast our children have and will grow. We were reminded how much we have grown as a couple and our family really feels complete.

Jacob was born on September 11th. We were not against the idea of having him born on this day. We can all remember where we were the moment the World Trade Centers were attacked. We remember the feeling when our nation came together.  Ryan remembers the feeling knowing he was meant to be a firefighter. That day is held close to the hearts of many. I would have never imagined while sitting in geometry class, watching the second plane hit, I would birth a son into the world 13 years later.  We also named Jacob from the name we loved, Jake. Jake is also used to call younger firefighters in northern states. The day just seemed right for our family. Bring joy to a day, were joy was taken away.

Jacob arrived into the world quickly! My water was broke at 12:30 and he arrived after four pushes at 2:10. He never cried and layed so peacefully on my chest for almost an hour till he started nursing! For those of you who dont know, I was unable to nurse with Rylee. We struggled and I pumped for months instead. Tears flooded my eyes when he latched and began nursing.

With the same weight and height as Rylee {7.6 lbs 19 inches} Jacob is a healthy boy!! He's a calm little one and doesnt make a flinch when his sister is marching down the hall in princess heals. We are loving our time with him. His sweet snuggles and baby fresh smell make us oh and ah over him.

Dear Pregnancy

Dear Pregnancy,

My time with you is coming to an end.  In a few days the baby boy we worked hard to grow and keep safe with make his debut. We will have been on this journey together for 39 weeks. Its been an adventure I will keep close to my heart and think back on when my littles are grown.

Thirty nine weeks ago I prayed the Lord would bless our family with another baby. I prayed he would keep our growing little one safe and healthy. Thank you for standing by me as my prayer was answered. 

Thirty nine weeks ago pregnancy,  we began our journey.

Those first 12 weeks were a doozy. You had me sick and exhausted beyond words. You made bread and crackers my main meal, with lemon water as my savior. You made the smell of my classroom make me want to vomit and playtime with my daughtef turn to yet anothed viewing of the Little Mermaid while I napped on the couch.  But pregnancy,  you made my body strong to carry our little fetus through the rough first trimester. Thank you. Thank you for relieving my fears and giving my husband hope for a healthy child and wife.

You took pitty on me the second trimester and gave me a belly I adore. I had multiple good hairs days and sweet compliments from little old ladies. I was able to eat real foods again. Together we drooled over others drinking wine and eating publix subs. But our nine month commitment to each other was too grand to eat those naughty foods. We started wearing pants with elastic bands and dresses to emphasize my belly. With a bump barely showing, we found out a little boy was growing inside! Boy were we excited!!

Our time during the last part of our journey has been tough.  You reminded me pregnancy, I can't do it all. You reminded me to slow down and enjoy the short time we have left together. You have pushed my body to great lengths, some days I cursed your name and begged for comfort. To grow my son you have given me lovely stretch marks and painful vericose veins. You've brought me to tears with discomfort.  But thank you. Thank you for all those things.  You are doing whatever needs done for our son to grow inside me. I'll take on your challenges and feel strength in your ways. Just another reminder of life as a mommy. Those stretch marks allow my son to move around inside and let my husbands hands feel his baby boy.

Pregnancy,  you are the beginning of my journey into become a mommy again. Those moments of doubt if I'm carrying you properly,  if I took my vitamins, counting my caffeine intake, were all just reminders of our grand plan when our journey ends. The endless hours fretting over breast feeding, stockpiling diapers, couponing and saving for must needs/wants for our son, has yet to make me realize our break up is just a few days away.

We are good together pregnancy. Real good. Even in thd days of morning sickness, I have truly loved being wrapped in your embrace. Even through midnight bathroom breaks and swollen veins, I have loved our time together.  You have slowly prepared me yet again to be a mommy. I'll most likely not be with you again. If minds change, you'll be the first to know.

Thank you for growing my family. Let's enjoy our last few days together.

with love always,
Leah Marie

38 Weeks

Thirty Eight Weeks

I am glad to be writing this post.  Happy our little guy is continuing to grow safely inside my belly. Hitting the thirty eight week mark feels very surreal.

Feels like just a few days ago we decided to grow our family. We dreamed of a family with two kiddos and the reality of our dream will be in our arms in less then a week. Less then a week!

I'm feeling very excited.

Very anxious.

Very overwhelmed with emotions.

I've been a little crazy keeping the house super-duper clean so if I go into labor before my induction on the 11th, I know the house will be clean when I come home {oh you didn't know I was crazy about keeping things in place? Well secret is out now}. I also sat on the kitchen floor to scrub cabinets and the tile floor. I refolded newborn onesies and made sure Rylee's big sister gift is ready!

How far along: thirty eight weeks
Weight gain: 20.5 lbs
Best moment: Rylee has been very intuitive over the last month with the arrival of her baby brother. Anyone who comes over gets a tour of her brothers room. She plays with his toys and counts the pacifiers in the drawer she's not suppose to go into. She rubs my belly and tells me "my brother is in there".
Movement: holy moly this kid not only rubs on my pelvic bone but he now is moving/shifting to my sciatic nerve down my left leg. Ugh its so lovely!
Craving: CHOCOLATE!!
Looking forward to: the birth of my son!
Body changes: hubs say my belly looks bigger (thanks dear) and he quickly adds " oh and you just look more beautiful being pregnant ". And my belly button has popped out!