Sweet Jake

Sweet Jacob Ryan

My love for you is like no other. Its strong, yet gentle. Fierce, yet calm. You changed who am I as a mother. You gave me more laughter through chaos, my tears of joy, and daily reminders how amazingly lucky I am to be home with you and your sister. You've helped me to slow down a little and let laundry sit in trade for naps with you.

And let's not be fooled, you contribute to me spending more at target.

I believe I've earned another badge to be worn on my sleeve for how far we've come in nursing. Nursing you was a struggle the first few months. I had no idea what I was doing, but you were so patient. During those long days of feeling like a 24 hr milk maid, you kept along with me and didn't fight me as I struggled. Nursing you has been a beautiful part of our early relationship and I can fully understand why other mommas rave about it.

While pregnant with you, mommas would tell me how special the bond is with their sons. How its different from their daughters. I only loved your sister. I only knew girly cuddles.

I get it. I so get it now. A son is like no other.

The way you look at me when I hold you tight in the wrap shoots right to my soul. The way you hold my finger while nursing calms my chaos inside. How you love to be hip held so you can place your head over my heart tops it off. There is just something about you, something about your love for me that rocks my socks off.

You love for me is caring. You love me in a way no else will ever compare to.

Its beautiful

I'm thankful for the mother you've shaped me to be. Your love fills the hearts of our family. From a person so small and unable to speak to me with words, you sure do light up a room with your smile and sweet heart.

As the sun starts to rise and you fall back asleep for your morning nap, I think I'll hold on to you a little longer before your sister rises and your dad comes home from work. Because my sweet Jake, you'll be five months old in just a few weeks and I can barely keep it together. Stay little. Let's not rush this time away. I won't always be with you and I can't muster up the courage to face that just yet.

His hands

I will most always admit I am caught up in a storm of a mental mess. Worrying about something or another. Stressing over daily life activities, some important, some not. Thinking about how fast Jake is growing and looking at Rylee hoping my parenting skills are shaping her into a good kid.

And when I start a tornado of panic about laundry, what's for dinner, enough play time with Rylee, he grabs my hands. And softly yanks me back to reality.

His hands

They held onto mine during our first Jacks Mannequin concert as we sang along when we were just a few months into our relationship.

His hands

Nervously held a small ring box as he asked me to be his wife. They held onto mine as he nervously stood in front of me and repeated vows. Vows we work hard to keeping close and never let fail us.

His hands

Turned our house into a home with countless and continuous improvement projects.

His hands

Held mine when we found out our first child would be his daughter. As I always jumped off the table with excitement he wiped tears if joy with those hands.

His hands

Have picked Rylee up when she has fallen. Held her tight for hugs. Tucked her into bed. Held her high to see a Disney princess parade. Protected her from a lizard. Taught her how to use a hammer. And showed her how to high five.

His hands

Flung up with joy when news of a son would join of family. Those hands held Jake during his first few hours of being in this world and changed the first diaper.

His hands

Are rough. Scarred. Weathered and worn. They have saved lives. Fixed toys and fed babies. They are soft. Thoughtful and provide the feeling of being safely in love.

Christmas

Christmas was very special to me this year. Rylee's heart has been so open to faith and believing in new things. I spent time with her talking about Jesus and the celebration of his birth. She wanted to make Jesus a birthday cake!

Santa was easy for her to understand.

She really enjoyed helping me wrap gifts and took time to find a perfect place to put them under the tree. Her giving heart was shining. 
Christmas eve was spent with Ryan on shift and I took our littles to my aunta house. I have spent so many christmas Eves there and no other place feels like holiday then there.

Christmas morning was beautiful.  I hid Rylee in our room till Ryan came home so we could both see her face when she first laid eyes on what santa left her. She turned the corner of the hallway and was in awe. She told santa, a week before Christmas,  she wanted a pink princess garbage truck! Say what?! Ryan hopped on amazon and found a pink dump truck! I left the truck unwrapped and she yelled "he did it! Santa brought me a pink truck!" Best moment.  It wasn't about the actual gift, but that we gave her something innocent to believe in. It was magical.

Our little ballerina

Rylee Marie you amaze me!

Rylee started dance class in August and has loved every moment of it. In early December she debuted her talents at her first recital! I was so excited and nervous when she walked on stage. I was honestly just proud she went on stage! The music started and after a few counts she joined in and followed her teacher and did a great performance.  She even added in her own kick move!

At the very end of the recital, after the dance classes were introduced on stage, music was cued for all the dancers to leave stage...Rylee ran from the back of the big grouo of dancers to begin dancing a solo. It. Was. Amazing! I laughed and cried!

Four Months

Our little Jacob Ryan is four months old!

◇ he has rolled over a handful of times

◇ nursing like a champ 

◇ enjoys sitting in his walker and loves our morning walks

◇ smiles and gives giant loud laughs 

◇ he is a sweet snuggler and cozies up to my heart anytime possible

◇ he has been to disney eight times already and has meet a disney princess and rode dumbo as his first ride

She is my first

I'm still learning how to be a mother of two.

I've mastered surviving the morning till nap time and counting down minutes till bedtime. I'm working hard to master the day when the sleep through the night fairy has yet to bless my little babe. I'm figuring out how to keep laundry under control and feel accomplished when the dirty basket is empty at the end of the day. Jake and I are gold medal Olympians in the nursing category and earning a silver medal in changing a poop diaper while fighting off the toddler who threw your last wipe across the room. I'm working hard (yet failing) to make time for my husband at the end of a long day to watch of grown up shows when an additional 43 minutes of sleep is more appeasing.

But what troubles me is really really balancing both kids. Mommas! Tell me your secrets. Because some days I feel like a bouncy ball thrown down a long hallway, being pushed from one side to the other, sometimes hitting the bottom floor.

I find myself not always being available in the same way I have always been for Rylee. My first born. My beautiful daughter. I know, I know, she won't remember this stage of her life. I know she knows she is loved by me. I know she is glad I am home with her.

But does she know how much I miss her? Does she know how much I want to make this time home with her as special as I can? How much I miss the little moments of just me and her. Mommy and daughter.
It hit me today while riding the carousel at Disney. Usually Jake is riding the Ergo with me, I stand along the fence, and wave as she and Ryan ride the iconic white horses. Today was the day I got to ride with her. I felt like I won the lottery. We giggled as we waited in line. She pointed to Cinderella's castle and told me she wanted to sleep there. And invited me too. She played with my "belle hair" (because its brown) and said "I love you momma". I just died. I didn't want the line to end. I didn't want these little moments to end. I needed more to fill my cup.

We hopped on a horse and she told me " mommy I scoot up and you sit behind me. Like daddy does". But it was me this time.
She held my hand and showed me how to princess wave when we rode around and saw Ryan. She was so excited when the ride started to turn us and I begged we would get one extra turn. She would wave to Ryan and said "mommy you riding the horse with me today".

I lost my composure and tears feel to her hair.

The ride ended all to quick and we hoped off. And it was back to two babes.

I love my two babies. Saying they mean the world to me is such a small use of words to explain how big my heart is for them. But Rylee holds such a special place in my big heart. She made me a mother, a little crazy one at times, but a mother. She taught me how to really love. How to really see pure happiness and selfishly not want it to end.

And the place in my heart for my sweet son earns a blog post all its own. That little boy brought me to see a whole new side of being a mother and I am forever thankful to him...

News on the home front

I have to start working on being better at writing on here. I really do love to write. I think my thoughts are most clear in written word vs verbal. Writing feels more safe, maybe because there isn't a verbal response. But I do find it relaxing. It gives me a few moments to be away from the chaos of the day and let my own thoughts break through.

Days here with two littles are becoming more joyous (see how I didn't say less crazy because that would be a lie! Just learning to handle it better...well trying to at least). Jake is sadly moving out of the infant stage and more into the fun baby stage. Rylee is so eager to play with him and teach her what she knows.

I'm revamping my etsy shop and going with a new idea. With the pushy, yet sweet, encouragement from my mom and butt slapping push my friend Charlee, I'll be reopening the shop after Christmas. Planning to make and sell party supplies. It's going to be awesome!

Over the past month I've been listening more and learning to open my heart wide to the Lord. Learning to really listen and not just hear. Ryan and I follow an AM talk show which is helping us to see more clearly on the life we want to live for our marriage and as parents. We can see how impressionable Rylee's little mind is and we want to guide and teach her the best we can. I've been reaching out to friends and reading books, eager to see where this journey takes my heart and our family.

Thanksgiving was great! Yummy food. Loving family. And a chaotic 4 hr drive with Rylee and Jake...it involved an hour stop at the nearest exit to feed Jake, which happened to be a strip club/gas station! Yes. An interstate strip club/gas station parking lot is where Jake refused to nurse from me. I didn't pack my pump (never do that again) and left emergency frozen milk in my aunts freezer two hours away. I had to hand express milk into an empty water bottle and dump it into a bottle a half ounce at a time as my mom fed him! It was horrific!! Her and I finally get Jake calmed down and we smell poop...from both kids. We barely said a word to each other the rest of the 2 hr drive fear in Jake may wake up and laughed/cried when we hit our exit. Looking forward to sharing that story with Jake!

Christmas is on its way and I am EXCITED! I have couponed for every Santa gift and spent less then I planned! Still have to fill their stockings and I'm handing that over to Ryan. I have my eye on a kitchenAid mixer and hoping it will appear under the tree or for an anniversary present (four years on the 10th).

Last night was Jake's first night sleeping in his bassinet. The rock n' play has been one of our favorite baby gear items but he is getting to big for it. I bought a Love to Dream Swaddle and Jake was a champ with it! The ergo and Solly wrap have been life savers for me and the baby Bjorn bouncy seat is the best! Speaking of Jake, he's away from his early morning 6-7 nap and needs a feeding.

Enjoy your Monday. Let it be wonderful, not manic!