She is my first

I'm still learning how to be a mother of two.

I've mastered surviving the morning till nap time and counting down minutes till bedtime. I'm working hard to master the day when the sleep through the night fairy has yet to bless my little babe. I'm figuring out how to keep laundry under control and feel accomplished when the dirty basket is empty at the end of the day. Jake and I are gold medal Olympians in the nursing category and earning a silver medal in changing a poop diaper while fighting off the toddler who threw your last wipe across the room. I'm working hard (yet failing) to make time for my husband at the end of a long day to watch of grown up shows when an additional 43 minutes of sleep is more appeasing.

But what troubles me is really really balancing both kids. Mommas! Tell me your secrets. Because some days I feel like a bouncy ball thrown down a long hallway, being pushed from one side to the other, sometimes hitting the bottom floor.

I find myself not always being available in the same way I have always been for Rylee. My first born. My beautiful daughter. I know, I know, she won't remember this stage of her life. I know she knows she is loved by me. I know she is glad I am home with her.

But does she know how much I miss her? Does she know how much I want to make this time home with her as special as I can? How much I miss the little moments of just me and her. Mommy and daughter.
It hit me today while riding the carousel at Disney. Usually Jake is riding the Ergo with me, I stand along the fence, and wave as she and Ryan ride the iconic white horses. Today was the day I got to ride with her. I felt like I won the lottery. We giggled as we waited in line. She pointed to Cinderella's castle and told me she wanted to sleep there. And invited me too. She played with my "belle hair" (because its brown) and said "I love you momma". I just died. I didn't want the line to end. I didn't want these little moments to end. I needed more to fill my cup.

We hopped on a horse and she told me " mommy I scoot up and you sit behind me. Like daddy does". But it was me this time.
She held my hand and showed me how to princess wave when we rode around and saw Ryan. She was so excited when the ride started to turn us and I begged we would get one extra turn. She would wave to Ryan and said "mommy you riding the horse with me today".

I lost my composure and tears feel to her hair.

The ride ended all to quick and we hoped off. And it was back to two babes.

I love my two babies. Saying they mean the world to me is such a small use of words to explain how big my heart is for them. But Rylee holds such a special place in my big heart. She made me a mother, a little crazy one at times, but a mother. She taught me how to really love. How to really see pure happiness and selfishly not want it to end.

And the place in my heart for my sweet son earns a blog post all its own. That little boy brought me to see a whole new side of being a mother and I am forever thankful to him...

News on the home front

I have to start working on being better at writing on here. I really do love to write. I think my thoughts are most clear in written word vs verbal. Writing feels more safe, maybe because there isn't a verbal response. But I do find it relaxing. It gives me a few moments to be away from the chaos of the day and let my own thoughts break through.

Days here with two littles are becoming more joyous (see how I didn't say less crazy because that would be a lie! Just learning to handle it better...well trying to at least). Jake is sadly moving out of the infant stage and more into the fun baby stage. Rylee is so eager to play with him and teach her what she knows.

I'm revamping my etsy shop and going with a new idea. With the pushy, yet sweet, encouragement from my mom and butt slapping push my friend Charlee, I'll be reopening the shop after Christmas. Planning to make and sell party supplies. It's going to be awesome!

Over the past month I've been listening more and learning to open my heart wide to the Lord. Learning to really listen and not just hear. Ryan and I follow an AM talk show which is helping us to see more clearly on the life we want to live for our marriage and as parents. We can see how impressionable Rylee's little mind is and we want to guide and teach her the best we can. I've been reaching out to friends and reading books, eager to see where this journey takes my heart and our family.

Thanksgiving was great! Yummy food. Loving family. And a chaotic 4 hr drive with Rylee and Jake...it involved an hour stop at the nearest exit to feed Jake, which happened to be a strip club/gas station! Yes. An interstate strip club/gas station parking lot is where Jake refused to nurse from me. I didn't pack my pump (never do that again) and left emergency frozen milk in my aunts freezer two hours away. I had to hand express milk into an empty water bottle and dump it into a bottle a half ounce at a time as my mom fed him! It was horrific!! Her and I finally get Jake calmed down and we smell poop...from both kids. We barely said a word to each other the rest of the 2 hr drive fear in Jake may wake up and laughed/cried when we hit our exit. Looking forward to sharing that story with Jake!

Christmas is on its way and I am EXCITED! I have couponed for every Santa gift and spent less then I planned! Still have to fill their stockings and I'm handing that over to Ryan. I have my eye on a kitchenAid mixer and hoping it will appear under the tree or for an anniversary present (four years on the 10th).

Last night was Jake's first night sleeping in his bassinet. The rock n' play has been one of our favorite baby gear items but he is getting to big for it. I bought a Love to Dream Swaddle and Jake was a champ with it! The ergo and Solly wrap have been life savers for me and the baby Bjorn bouncy seat is the best! Speaking of Jake, he's away from his early morning 6-7 nap and needs a feeding.

Enjoy your Monday. Let it be wonderful, not manic!

Two Months

Jacob Ryan is two months old.

Two months! Really? Time is moving so fast.

Life with two littles has been a whirl wind. Jacob fits so perfectly into our hearts. Rylee is over the moon to be a big sister and is enjoying being helpful. She is eager to find his pacifier, through away a diaper, and give kisses. She would hold him all day is she could.

Jacob is smiling like a champ! He makes cooing noises and I just melt. It has been fun to watch him moving out if the newborn stage and be more engaging. In the sleep department, Jacob enjoys napping while we shop and starting his day at 4am. He loves being carried around in a wrap or the ergo. And I love it to! He is a calm sweet boy. He and I continue to nurse and Ryan bottle feeds him right before bed. Putting all that pumped milk to good use. 300 plus ounces have made their way into our freezer. Bottle feeding before bed also let's mommy have a glass (or two) of wine.

Jacob has also made his debut visit to Disney! He slept most of the time in the ergo as we rode dumbo and the little mermaid.

I am working hard to find a balance with two. Some morning I end on bent knees in tears and others I end with rainbows pouring out of my clean kitchen. But I'm finding my way, learning how to meet their needs, letting go of what's not important, and really taking in this time with them.

Ryan and I went out to dinner without kids for the first time last week. It felt amazing to wear real clothes, a necklace, and share in adult drinks and laughter. Its so easy to be in constant mommy mode and leave no mental space to be his wife.

Hoping I can try and get more thoughts of mine onto this blog. I think once I get them both on the same nap schedule I'll be back to blogging more! Stick around!

Dear Rylee

My little mama, the past few weeks have been rough. Really rough. Rough to were I've his in the garage for a few minutes of quiet time. Too many days we spend not getting along. You have brought me to my knees weeping in tears as I try to find some sort of patience. Too many days I have become frustrated before breakfast and pray the Lord will guide me through the day.

I am trying so hard to be the best momma I can to you. I love you more then I can ever express in words. Your smile brings joy to my heart that brings tears to my eyes. But little momma, we have spent too many days in tears with each other.

Our daily routine has changed. It use to be just us. You and me. Snuggling in bed. Making pancakes. Having tea parties. Enjoying popcorn at target. Roaming the rows of books at Barnes and noble. We shared laughs on walks. I treasure those moments. And I didn't know how much I would truly miss them. Being a big sister means having to not only share your toys, but to share me as your mommy. Neither of us were really prepared for what that meant. You are doing your best to understand and I am struggling.

I can tell you get angry with me. I can't always pick you up or play tea party. Your brother needs all the same attention I gave you, when you were new to this place. You get angry when I ask you to play in your room when I am nursing your brother. Your loud laughter and singing of songs will soon be welcomed by your little brother, but quiet time is something he and I both crave while nursing.

I end too many days in tears. Crying myself to sleep thinking of what a terrible day we had. Guilt rushes my exhausted heart when I think of how short my patience were for you. I doubt my job here as a stay at home mother and not sure what I am doing for you is right. Am I teaching you to be a good loving person? Am I teaching you to be creative? Am I teaching you to have a giving heart?

So many days I am at a loss. I am suppose to be the adult here and sometimes I act like the child. I let my frustration make poor choices. And no one wins. I know better. Exhaustion is my nasty enemy I must fight.

Your will is strong. You are smart as a whip. And your imagination is one I envy. You love me and I love you. Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever been given. Even on our hardest days, I never doubt you and your brother gave me the greatest gift, to be your mother. I wish I knew what to do every time a decision is needed. I wish I had the perfect words to give you during a tantrum. But I am trying. Every day I try.

But I do know what I do right. I know my love for you is like no other. I know you love waffles but prefer pancakes. I know you are most happy running outside. I know loud noises scare you and my hugs make you feel safe. I know you pretend to have a boo-boo so you can wear a princess bandaid. I know you love disney world as much as your daddy and I do. I know all this because I am here. I am here with you, loving you in every moment.

Through the good days and bad days we are us. As your brother gets older we will fall into routine and gain our special moments back together. We will share in giggles while he naps and continue with art projects.

Hold on little momma. We'll find our groove with our sweet little boy and he'll join in all our fun!

Tonight as I was nursing your brother I could hear you play in your room. You were making cupcakes "cake cakes" in your kitchen. I heard your feet carefully walk to your brothers room. Just as I set him down in his crib, you step in singing "happy birthday to mommy" while holding a tray of wooden cupcakes. I nicely ask you to play in your room because at the moment your brothers eyes flung open and I knew I'd have to start over again. You didn't understand my tiredness from your sleepless brother. You didn't understand I was trying to put him to bed so I could have alone time with you. Instead you understood mommy didn't want to play with you. Oh sweet girl that isn't true!

As I rocked you brother back to sleep all I could think of was how proud you were to carry in those cupcakes and sing me a song. Ugh. I lose tears as I write this.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new day to love you, teach you, and give you what you deserve from me. A better me.

Keep on loving me and bringing cupcakes

What happens at 5:13 AM

I hear him whimper. I hear him gearing up to let me know, although he's pushing 10 lbs, that he is starving. I check my phone for a time, praying loudly its 7 AM, only to moan that's its 5:13.

5:13 on a tuesday...it is tuesday?...yes, yes its a tuesday.

I grab my little bundle of joy and feed him. He's quick to nurse. Gives me a champion of a burp. I change his diaper and clean his little bum. I rock him for a few moments and I start thinking "yes! I got him back to sleep!". I pull his sweetness away from my shoulder only to see his wide open eyes saying " oh hey momma. Let's get our day started. You didn't think I was going back to bed did you?"

So we leave our bedroom, the place I use to get sleep in, and start the walk down the hallway to his room. I briefly think I will do this walk a million more times before he grows up and moves out. So I walk slowly, enjoying the walk with him in my arms because a million more walks holding my son will never seem enough.

We get to his room and turn on his lamp. Yep, he's still wide awake. I put him down in his crib and I pull out my breast pump for our daily meeting. I pump for a few reasons: one - I produce a ton more milk. Two - my goal is to hive J bm till his first birthday. Three - I want...need...must have a glass of wine in the near future. In the nine minutes I pump, I softly sing "take me out to the ball game" 19 times to soothe J and check Instagram. Pumping is over and J is quiet. I peak over the rail of the crib hoping for a sleepy babe. Nope. Wide eyes still but he's calm.

So I mentally start making a list of what needs done around the house. There's laundry to fold, a bathroom to clean, and packing for an afternoon trip to Disney. I gran cleaning supplies and head towards to the bathroom. As I'm cleaning up Ariel and rubber ducks from the tub I decide "hey! I'll take a bath". So I borrow some of Rylee's  rapunzel shampoo as bubble bath and begin to relax. J Cry's as soon as I sit down. I try to soothe him by singing and a pacifier but no go. Fearing he'll wake the other sleepy kid and I'll have to share this bath with her playing with princess Ariel, I scoop him up and stand in the bath and rock him to sleep. " take me out to the ball game" is sung 7 times.

I clean up, briefly think to shave my legs, and then hop out while J is asleep. I throw on some make up, blow dry my hair, and I'm ready. I change us into a Halloween romper and shirt, Because having a good theme to a party always makes it fun.

By now its 6:30 am. And as much as I want to go back to bed, I know the second I fall asleep I'll hear my sweet girl calling my name and letting me know the sun is up so she can be awake too.

Coffee. Fresh caffeine in a cup. I make some. I fold laundry, wash pump supplies and steam pacifiers. Start to gather survival items for disney. I write a list for target. For as soon as 8 hits the clock, I'm racing out of here (with J in tow) to buy diapers and wonder the aisles till J says its time to go.

Our day has begun. And this is our new normal. Jake only wakes twice after falling asleep around 9:30, around 2:30ish and between 5-6. I can't complain too much. Though I wish I had the mythological baby who sleeps through the night after being birthed.

I hope all who reads has a beautiful day. Know that as a mommy I am on your side and cheering for you. Our days as momma's are long and filled with joy and exhaustion. Let's conquer today. Let's make the sleepless night into a good day, hug our littles tighter, and smile harder when your tank of patience is almost empty.

Another Momma's Remider

Last night was rough.

Not due to the sleeplessness of an infant or the toddler crying out for me. But due to my own pure emotional exhaustion.

I send an S.O.S. text to a best friend and in pure selfishness I hoped she would give up a few minutes of her sleep to feed me the encouraging words to so badly craved.

She called within a minute and I barely spit out a hello before the tears flowed.

I admitted to yelling at Rylee that day and how disgusting I felt for it. I wined about how exhausted I was to be a 24 hour milk machine and how I'm stuck wearing a nursing bra and pads otherwise I'll leak every where. I cried for wanting just a few moments to myself and how disheveled I was for losing my predictable schedule. I lost it when I noticed I still smelled of spit up after a 3 minute shower I took with a toddler at my feet.

And she said all the perfect things...

I know, that's rough...

Its just a phase...

Rylee won't remember...

Ugh its so exhausting...

You've got this!...

Sometimes another mommy's encouragement is so needed. We're all together in this journey as mommy's. There's no place for judgment or comparison. Only a place for understanding and encouragement. Sweet words on days that seem endless and sharing in happy first moments.

I am no perfect mother. There aren't enough IG filters to make my life perfect. And I don't want it to be. A little sanity would be nice, but not perfection.

As our call was ending, tears became laughter and my spirits were lifted. As I was rocking little J to sleep I thought of all the things I did accomplish. All the things I did right yesterday.

I loved on my two sweet littles.

I took two kids to the doctor and made it there on time

I treated myself to a Coke via chick-fil-a drive through and savored every last sip.

I made Rylee a wrap for her babies to "hold baby like mommy"

I sang "take me out to the ball game" 17 times to J

I completed two loads of laundry

Put a sleepy toddler to bed 15 mins early

And rocked a sweet boy to sleep

So in a day filled with pure chaos, a screaming baby, and a tantrum throwing toddler, I vow to end my day listing the "rights". Ignoring all that I didn't accomplish or what I failed at. Even through all the chaos, I love this life. There will be a day when I don't live in the same yoga pants for five days or smell of spit up. I will miss this. I will miss two littles needing me and their snuggles.

So here goes today, hoping to make it better then yesterday.

{And now my pitty party is over. Thanks for reading through the end}

 

One Month

One Month Old

We survived the first month

And boy it was a doozy!

Having another little one has quite a new adventure in parenthood.

Rylee is enjoying being a big sister. She thinks its fun to help change diapers and try to shove a pacifier in Jake's mouth. Surprisingly his crying at night doesn't wake her and he doesn't wake when she runs around our wood floor house in her princess shoes.

Ryan has taken over most of the daily Rylee activities, including dance class. I can really see a new bond they are both developing. She has always been my little girl but its beautiful to see the father/daughter relationship. I will admit though, its hard when she prefers daddy to take her to dance class then me.

Jake is fitting in just right. He's a good sleeper, wakes to eat, then dozes back into dream land. As a pair, we are working on our nursing skills. Since I didn't nurse with Rylee, I am a newbie along side him. I would say most often we have it down and every once in a while we struggle with a good latch but we power through. I've shed a few tears over nursing. Tears of joy when he latched at the hospital an hour after birth and tears of frustration when he doesn't latch well and spits up all down my shirt.

I've also started pumping in the morning. He goes down around 9:30-10 and sleeps till about 2:30 to eat, sleeps, up again at 5:30 then back down. I'm very lucky to be a milk making machine so in the morning I'm overly full. I have about 100 ounces frozen. Not sure when we'll introduce a bottle. Selfishly I don't want it to interfere with his preference to nurse but selfishly I'd like a long evening away with Ryan and a glass of wine. 

I am enjoying our new family of four. Not eager for him to grow too fast. Loving the squishy baby sleep through a target trip  time. To celebrate his one month, we went to dinner (leaving Rylee with her aunt). He quietly sat in the car seat as I ate the goat cheese I've waited 9 months for without coming up for air.

Hope to blog more soon. So many thoughts and emotions I'd like to have written down for Rylee and Jake to read some day